Carol didn’t know what to do. No matter where she went her evil twin would follow. Every time she thought she was safe she would attack. First it was just little things like licking her cookie before she could eat it, then it was bigger things like licking boys before she could date them but when Carol went to the car dealer she realized her twin had just gone too far when she started licking the car she wanted. She had had it with her evil twin and said to hell with it! She was buying the car and would just go through the car wash. Freaking evil twin!

~Rose Von Barnsley 

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The town of Brownsville, Texas is known for its Port. But during the month of October the big draw for the city is it’s famous Carnaval de Sustantivo. Every one knows that carnivals have strange looking carnies, but at Carnaval de Sustantivo the attraction is their carnies. The rides are fun sure, but to get the chance to look at a real freak is what draws you to the ride. My favorite ride is the bumper cars. The Asian Rubber Face siblings run the ride.  Every time a new group is preparing to get their chance to ride the bumper cars the siblings always warn us, “Be careful for the head on collisions or your face will end up like this!”

~Selene de Modelo 

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The Invasion

[Series of Beeps]

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

[Series of Beeps]

THIS IS NOT A TEST, THIS IS NOT A TEST

Unknown Reporter: “It appears the President is sweating profusely he is dabbing his head with a handkerchief. There are Secret agents everywhere and they are all lugging suitcases and cardboard boxes out of the White House. It looks like they are evacuating the White House. Okay, The President is about to speak”…

The President: “America This a National I Repeat National Emergency Public Service Announcement, I need everyone’s complete attention.”

 “I am addressing the nation to assure everyone, EVERYWHERE what exactly is happening.  It appears we are being invaded!

Yes, I said invaded!

 I ask that everyone remain calm and try to stay indoors.

If you have a safe place to go to, please do so now.

We have had several sightings of the extraterrestrial kind.

ALIENS have invaded our planet.

 Initially we though one of the subjects from Area 51 escaped and yes Area 51 does exist. 

Let’s just get it all out there, because America you have the right to know.

These are dire straight times!

This is the time to pull together as one and fight!

 We have posted a surveillance picture of an encounter that occurred in South Florida.

The subject approached an unsuspected individual in her car on the Florida Turnpike.

Some viewers might find this picture disturbing.

It is important for everyone to know what we are up against. The subjects appear to have limited intelligence and have reptilian long length tongues that they use to sedate their victims. Their tongues have a toxin that paralyzes their victims, once paralyzed they will ripe you apart limb by limb and eat YOU ALIVE!!

*Girly squeal/scream comes from The Presidents Mouth*

What they lack in intelligence they double in strength. Do not and I repeat do not approach them, stay indoors and be armed. Good luck everyone and God Bless. IM GETTING THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! *Screams and Runs away frantically like a lady arms wailing*

[Camera drops, you can hear screaming and see feet running in all directions.

You hear a Series of  beeps sounding and finally one long never ending BEEP! ]

FIN

~Victoria Maundrell

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Yep, it had finally happened. 

My farting had gotten out of control. 

 I found this highly embarrassing seeing as I was a lady, but it was true.  At first, it was just the occasional little toot.  Nothing too bad, I just cut back on beans and bran cereal and it was better.  Or so I thought.  Then one day, I bent over to get a box of Milk Duds off the shelf at the local grocer and ended up sending an elderly man to the emergency room.  That was when I knew I had a problem.

After that, I feared my butthole had become a lethal weapon, emitting deadly toxins the origins of which I couldn’t say.  It also became uncontrollable, with a mind of its own.  I no longer had say over what my sphincter did.  It had gone rogue and there was nothing I could do about it.  I would almost swear I could hear it laughing as it took down each of its victims. 

Whatever I had done to anger the flatulence gods must have been epic because not only did my sphincter forsake me, but my esophagus either joined forces with it or decided to compete, I couldn’t be sure.  All I knew was that they seemed to sense when a victim was approaching and they would attack without warning or conscience, spewing noxious vapors from one end and loud, startling racket from the other, the odiferous nature of which was also frightening. 

The last victim had been a poor unsuspecting cyclist.  I was sitting in traffic minding my own business when they attacked.  I had unthinkingly made the mistake of cracking my window on my way to work.  Just as the guy approached, a cloud of foul fumes escaped my Ford Focus, stunning the poor guy.   I watched in horror as he lost control of his bike, careening face first into the side of my car as the pernicious potency of my poot took him down.  Unfortunately, I was too busy trying to keep my head from exploding to help him.

I couldn’t wait around for the ambulance to come rescue him, so as soon as he fell away from my car and cleared my tires, I sped off.  I was certain once he told the authorities what had happened, they would no doubt deem me a terrorist and I would be hunted by homeland security.

Realizing I was now public enemy number two, I decided to remove myself from society as a precaution.  I now live in the jungles of Borneo with the indigenous peoples there.  Funny thing, they worship me as a goddess because apparently, the vapors I constantly blast kill the dangerous mosquitos that plague their people, saving many lives.

Of course, all their worshipping is done at a very safe distance.

~Dolly Big Momma