Carol didn’t know what to do. No matter where she went her evil twin would follow. Every time she thought she was safe she would attack. First it was just little things like licking her cookie before she could eat it, then it was bigger things like licking boys before she could date them but when Carol went to the car dealer she realized her twin had just gone too far when she started licking the car she wanted. She had had it with her evil twin and said to hell with it! She was buying the car and would just go through the car wash. Freaking evil twin!

~Rose Von Barnsley 

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The town of Brownsville, Texas is known for its Port. But during the month of October the big draw for the city is it’s famous Carnaval de Sustantivo. Every one knows that carnivals have strange looking carnies, but at Carnaval de Sustantivo the attraction is their carnies. The rides are fun sure, but to get the chance to look at a real freak is what draws you to the ride. My favorite ride is the bumper cars. The Asian Rubber Face siblings run the ride.  Every time a new group is preparing to get their chance to ride the bumper cars the siblings always warn us, “Be careful for the head on collisions or your face will end up like this!”

~Selene de Modelo 

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The Invasion

[Series of Beeps]

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

[Series of Beeps]

THIS IS NOT A TEST, THIS IS NOT A TEST

Unknown Reporter: “It appears the President is sweating profusely he is dabbing his head with a handkerchief. There are Secret agents everywhere and they are all lugging suitcases and cardboard boxes out of the White House. It looks like they are evacuating the White House. Okay, The President is about to speak”…

The President: “America This a National I Repeat National Emergency Public Service Announcement, I need everyone’s complete attention.”

 “I am addressing the nation to assure everyone, EVERYWHERE what exactly is happening.  It appears we are being invaded!

Yes, I said invaded!

 I ask that everyone remain calm and try to stay indoors.

If you have a safe place to go to, please do so now.

We have had several sightings of the extraterrestrial kind.

ALIENS have invaded our planet.

 Initially we though one of the subjects from Area 51 escaped and yes Area 51 does exist. 

Let’s just get it all out there, because America you have the right to know.

These are dire straight times!

This is the time to pull together as one and fight!

 We have posted a surveillance picture of an encounter that occurred in South Florida.

The subject approached an unsuspected individual in her car on the Florida Turnpike.

Some viewers might find this picture disturbing.

It is important for everyone to know what we are up against. The subjects appear to have limited intelligence and have reptilian long length tongues that they use to sedate their victims. Their tongues have a toxin that paralyzes their victims, once paralyzed they will ripe you apart limb by limb and eat YOU ALIVE!!

*Girly squeal/scream comes from The Presidents Mouth*

What they lack in intelligence they double in strength. Do not and I repeat do not approach them, stay indoors and be armed. Good luck everyone and God Bless. IM GETTING THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! *Screams and Runs away frantically like a lady arms wailing*

[Camera drops, you can hear screaming and see feet running in all directions.

You hear a Series of  beeps sounding and finally one long never ending BEEP! ]

FIN

~Victoria Maundrell

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Yep, it had finally happened. 

My farting had gotten out of control. 

 I found this highly embarrassing seeing as I was a lady, but it was true.  At first, it was just the occasional little toot.  Nothing too bad, I just cut back on beans and bran cereal and it was better.  Or so I thought.  Then one day, I bent over to get a box of Milk Duds off the shelf at the local grocer and ended up sending an elderly man to the emergency room.  That was when I knew I had a problem.

After that, I feared my butthole had become a lethal weapon, emitting deadly toxins the origins of which I couldn’t say.  It also became uncontrollable, with a mind of its own.  I no longer had say over what my sphincter did.  It had gone rogue and there was nothing I could do about it.  I would almost swear I could hear it laughing as it took down each of its victims. 

Whatever I had done to anger the flatulence gods must have been epic because not only did my sphincter forsake me, but my esophagus either joined forces with it or decided to compete, I couldn’t be sure.  All I knew was that they seemed to sense when a victim was approaching and they would attack without warning or conscience, spewing noxious vapors from one end and loud, startling racket from the other, the odiferous nature of which was also frightening. 

The last victim had been a poor unsuspecting cyclist.  I was sitting in traffic minding my own business when they attacked.  I had unthinkingly made the mistake of cracking my window on my way to work.  Just as the guy approached, a cloud of foul fumes escaped my Ford Focus, stunning the poor guy.   I watched in horror as he lost control of his bike, careening face first into the side of my car as the pernicious potency of my poot took him down.  Unfortunately, I was too busy trying to keep my head from exploding to help him.

I couldn’t wait around for the ambulance to come rescue him, so as soon as he fell away from my car and cleared my tires, I sped off.  I was certain once he told the authorities what had happened, they would no doubt deem me a terrorist and I would be hunted by homeland security.

Realizing I was now public enemy number two, I decided to remove myself from society as a precaution.  I now live in the jungles of Borneo with the indigenous peoples there.  Funny thing, they worship me as a goddess because apparently, the vapors I constantly blast kill the dangerous mosquitos that plague their people, saving many lives.

Of course, all their worshipping is done at a very safe distance.

~Dolly Big Momma

Little Cindy Lou had a secret, she like the taste of fingers. It started out with just mild thumb sucking but then her mom threatened her with braces. Mary across the street had braces and looked like an ugly donkey so she didn’t want them that’s for sure so she did her best to stop sucking her thumb. Of course it was just too much when they went visiting the neighbor’s new baby and she saw he got to suck his thumb. It just wasn’t fair!
When the mommies weren’t looking she sucked his thumb too. His thumb was much smaller and most likely wouldn’t make her have donkey teeth. Of course she didn’t want to give it up and wished she could take it with her. Then she noticed the puppy chewing on a bone and it snapped a little piece right off and Cindy Lou got a wonderful idea. Before anyone would could stop her or even see what she was doing she bit it off.

The baby started screaming and she quickly pulled the thumb from her mouth and pointed to the dog. “He bit of the baby’s thumb!”

“Oh heaven!” cried the mothers, “Quick to the hospital.”

They pumped the dogs stomach but it was too late the thumb was never found.

Once Cindy Lou was home alone in her room she pulled out the thumb and popped in her mouth smiling. She could suck a thumb and not have donkey teeth, she was a genius!

After a few days, the thumb started to taste yucky and she wanted a new one. She had to come up with another plan.  She saw the neighbor’s dog sitting in the back yard looking sick. Everyone thought it bit thumbs already so she just had to find away to make it look like it did it again.

Her next victim was the blind kid up the street. He had been sitting in the yard as his mother weeded when Cindy Lou and the neighbor’s innocent dog came up. Cindy snapped the finger off quickly and screamed at the dog to give it back.

By now the whole neighborhood had heard about that had happen to the baby so they were quick to chase down the dog.

This thumb was bigger but since it was detached she could still pop it in her mouth and not get donkey teeth. She liked the bigger thumb and wondered if she could get an even larger one once this one went bad.

A few days later Cindy Lou looking on as her mommy made her a jelly sandwich.
“Mommy, can the neighbor’s dog come to visit?” She asked sweetly. Her mommy had a nice thumb and she wanted it next.

~ Rose von Barnsley


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Being a Mom and a Vampire doesn’t come with instructions.  It’s a difficult life and even harder when you have a little one to take care of as well.  When it comes to feeding your little vampire you want to make sure you are only giving them the best. That’s why I give my little bloodsucker TrueBlood Jam. It’s not like those other brands made of synthetics and fillers. TrueBlood Jam is made with REAL BLOOD donated by only the healthiest of humans.  

Choosey Mom’s choose TrueBlood Jam.

~Selene de Modelo


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You Get What You Pay For

When adopting overseas it’s important to adopt from a reputable company. My husband and I tried for years to have our own child but, due to the sex change I had back in 1986 it was impossible. As you can tell from my oversized BUT well-manicured hands I was once a “John” or a Jonny “Come” Lately as Herbert my husband used to say. So when a friend of mine proposed adoption we jumped on the idea. Well it turns out a friend of a friend of a friend knew of a friend who adopted overseas and it was fairly in expensive. This particular agency didn’t care about race, sexual orientation, single, married, divorced or if you were a cult leader. (Which I was back in the day that’s how Herbert and I meet but that’s another story) any who, we Pricelined our tickets and we were on our way to a tiny little island just off the coast of Haiti.

Once we got there we meet a strange fellow with a nose ring and lots of bone trinkets. Soon our prays to the COW god were answered! We were now on our way with a sweet little blonde child for $200.00. Once home we noticed Mertyll didn’t say much except for the occasional mumble and grunt. No matter how we tried we couldn’t get her to speak. Well Herbert just couldn’t wait to say “You get what you pay for!” [blah, blah, blah]. Then we noticed strange things started to happen around the house. Our child never slept! Initially we attributed it to jet lag but it wasn’t she literally never slept. It was really creeping us out. One night after tucking her in, well let’s be honest STRAPPING her in to her bed I grabbed her dirty laundry and found Mrs. Ferguson’s missing cat, turns out our little Mertyll was a cannibal.

Now that we found out what she loves we always have a fresh jar of animal guts and blood Jam readily available for our little pumpkin. Oh it just warms my heart to see her get all excited over her meals. Who said kids were expensive?


~Victoria Maundrell


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Cellular Musings…

It started when I was just five years old.

Actually, it probably started much sooner than that, but five was the earliest I had physical confirmation I was hooked.  My dad snapped a picture of me staring longingly, just waiting with baited breath for my mother to get to the next part of making my sandwich, the best part.

The peanut butter.

Unfortunately for her, when she had done smearing the jam on the bread, she folded it over and just handed it to me, sans the manna from heaven that I had been waiting so patiently for.

She really shouldn’t have done that.

I understand now as an adult how one could be too busy to go to the pantry, pull out the jar, unscrew the lid, acquire a butter knife, dip it into the jar, and spread the damn stuff on the bread, slap the sandwich together, and THEN hand it to a bouncing child, I really could.  That was a lot of work.

Too bad her not doing it was also her downfall.

I had never been a particularly mean child, never prone to fits or untoward tendencies.  However, I had been so excited and so hungry that day.  I just wanted my favorite thing in the whole world to eat.  Was that really too much to ask?

Apparently, it was.

I suppose, as I sit here eating my PB&J, crusts trimmed, cut into triangles, that I should feel some remorse.  After all, the twelve stab wounds I inflicted on my mother’s abdomen and the two I got in on my dad before he got the knife away from me did make a huge mess, and I ended up breaking the jar of peanut butter I had run to the pantry for and threw at him as I screamed my displeasure.

Pity it was all such a waste.  The damn peanut butter got blood in it!

Anyway, I had a nice place to stay now and they brought me my PB&J every day at noon.  The man in the nice white suit slides it under the door to me.  I think he might be a little afraid of me since I had also stabbed his friend for bringing me plain jam on bread when I first got here. 

You’d think they would learn. 

~Dolly Big Momma

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

"Working on the juvenile chain gang was no easy task. I worked along some of the roughest characters that ever set foot on the sweeeeeeeeeeeet Texas soil! Why I remember back in 1932 Sister Mary Agnes Dicksbee and Father Pete O'Malley were kind enough to give us a break after 3 days straight of back breakin' good ole hard labor. Back then they called it workin' off the bad in ya, now er days they'd call it child slavery. But, after several kids came down with the heat stroke they gave us a much needed break. And luckily we were working near the beach it was soo hot Sister Mary Agnes Dicksbee took off her bonnet and tunic and Father Pete O'Malley did the same by discarding his collar and such and well he started to chase Sister Mary Agnes around. Why Sister Mary Agnes got to squeelin' like a pussy in heat I swear when the rest of us saw them well everyone went wild. Kids started to rip off their traditional stripped pajama clothes they made us wear off and started running into the water and frolickin' in there that sand. The Fat boys as Sister Mary Agnes called them, they started to play leap frog which was strange to see such fat kids tryin' to jump over each other and every time they jumped they farted. Their farts alone was enough to bottle and throw on the Nazi's. I swear they could've ended that war quick with the Nelson brothers gasses.  Yep til this day I believe Sister Mary Agnes and Father O'Malley had caught the heat stroke because they got right in line behind them Nelson boys and started to play along with em. Yep I reckon their brains were almost plum cooked. And two of the badest and I mean badest siblings you ever met went right behind them. They were the Lovely twins as Father O'Malley called them they were a wretched bunch, two midget kids with faces like angels. You would think after being sent back to the orphanage at least 5 times claimin' to be the same age for five years in a row, someone would've caught on to them but they didn't. They were doin' time for bad behavior stealin' and that kind of thing. You couldn't tell by the looks of them but they were a force to be reckoned with and could beat the crap out of you in 2 seconds flat. I always said faces like angels but fists of the devil himself".

~Victoria 

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When John and Martha set out to do their first cloning experiment they never realized that trying to make the children lighter would end badly. They had problems with weight all their lives so they did their best to clone their kids and engineer them to be lighter. They kept them separated by light and dark clothes. The clones were just a couple years behind the original so they could be told apart but they knew once the kids got older they would start looking the same. It was best to get them in the habit of wearing different colors now.

Of course when they went to the beach their older clone Jeff started to have a problem. When they engineered the children they used mass amounts of helium to ‘make the kids lighter.’ Unfortunately this started to back fire as poor Jeff started floating up!

“Quick grab onto me,” George the original shouted at him as he braced himself on the ground grabbing fist full’s of sand.

Martha couldn’t help but laugh as Jeff called out in a squeaky voice. “Don’t let me fly away!”

Everyone even Jeff started laughing at his voice.

“Oh my look at his hair, it’s flying up as well!” Martha exclaimed. “What on earth are we to do?” She asked her husband.

“Why enter him in the Macy’s parade of course what else?”

~ Rose von Barnsley

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My Grandmother was showing me old family photos from when she was a child. She said she loved it when her parents would make the 3-hour trip to the beach. Grandma said the one thing that always ruined their time there was how crazy her two older brothers would get. Uncle James and Uncle Bart were the biggest boys you had ever seen and they were double the trouble. As twins they were always in competition but it wasn’t academics they would compete in, it was who could be the loudest, the funniest, the most outrageous. Grandma said any public outing with the twins was always an event.

~ Selene de Modelo