Nude Beach

I’ve always wanted to go to a Nude Beach. So finally my friends and I decided to just do it. None of us had been before and we didn’t know any one that had gone either and because of that we had no warnings before our experience. So we made the hour and a half drive to the beach. When we pulled into the parking lot I have to admit, I started to feel the butterflies. My girl friends, Joel and Mena, we giddy with excitement they wouldn’t stop laughing.  “Are you okay Anna? You are looking a little green”, said Mena as she giggled. “No, I’m fine. Just a little nervous”, I said.  We began walking to the beach. As our feet hit the sand I was beginning to feel a lot better.  What’s the big deal, I thought. We shouldn’t know anybody here; everything is going to be fine. We are just going to get a little sun on our naked bodies, no biggie. There were a few people on the beach, but no one I noticed was close enough to get a view of their naked bodies.  We found a good spot to settle down and relax. We unpacked our bags and laid out our towels. Then it was time for the big relieve. “Um…. Let’s do this together. On the count of three, we will all strip down to birthday suits. 1…2…3!” I said. It was like a race, the three of us were standing naked on the beach. We had done it. “Ok, let’s get some sun!” said Joel. We put on our SPF laid on our towels and began to soak up the rays. We had only been lying out for 15 minutes when a dark shadow crossed our faces. “He ladies, haven’t I seen you 3 here before?” said a man. As I slowly opened my eyes all I saw was the tiniest of tiny penises in my face! I couldn’t even see his face because he was wearing the biggest sombrero I had ever seen. I think the size of his hat made the size of his penis even smaller. “Excuse me sir, but you hat is blocking our sun!”, obviously Mena hadn’t noticed the size of not there penis. “O-M-G! Sir, I suggest you take your giant hat and your tiny penis else where before I get my pepper spray!”, Mena then began to scream. “Wow! Why so hostile? I just wanted to say hello. Have a nice day bitch!”, said sombrero man. He walked away but not far enough. He then took his towel out of his bag so he could lay it down. I think what Mena said must have gotten to the man, because as he began to settle down on his towel he removed his giant hat to relieve a baby sombrero. He then placed his baby hat on top of his baby penis, then covered his face we his bigger hat. I think I even heard him sobbing.

~Selene de Modelo

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 TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

Damn, Cancun was hot, and this freaking beach was shit crowded.  I looked over at my stupid brother and snickered.  Idiot. 

My brother, Edward, was a great guy, but sometimes he was just clueless.  We both worked for our father’s advertising firm, me as the firm’s attorney and Edward as an account executive in charge of marketing and advertising for new accounts.  This was funny since he had always been an honest man, and sometimes advertising was anything but honest, but Edward loved his job, as advertising was his life and he was good at it. 

My brother was actually honest to a fault, always certain to return any found articles and he always told the truth.  Being an upright, upstanding citizen was just one of the things he prided himself in.  Like me, Edward was very fit, with a pretty nice body produced by hours of exercise done competitively next to me at our favorite gym.  Yeah, we were pretty good looking guys if I did say so myself.   Well, Edward would be if he got some contacts.  His thick glasses with the old man frames made him look like a nerdy Irish Clark Kent with his reddish hair and green eyes.

Edward was also usually very astute when it came to intellectual things and he was pretty handy overall, making him a fairly well-rounded guy.  However, one thing Edward did not have going for him was a good understanding of women and how they worked.  I had tried to help him out in that department, but he just blew me off, accusing me of being a Neanderthal and a womanizer.  Hey, my motto was whatever worked, and it worked for me because women ate that shit up when I laid it down.

Memorial Day weekend had rolled around and we decided to take a vacation.  This afternoon, we were hanging out on the beach working on our tans.  Edward had decided he wanted to nap while he cooked and he didn’t want any tan lines, so he had decided to use a couple of stupid sombreros he had bought off some kid selling them on the beach to cover his eyes so his thick lenses wouldn’t send lasers through his brain, and to cover his goods. Considering we showered next to each other at the gym, I knew that, like me, my brother was seriously packing and had a lot to cover.  He would have the ladies swarming despite his Coke-bottle glasses if they only knew what he had to offer.  Yep, this was definitely an advertising opportunity.  However, sitting here staring at him now, I was convinced my brother truly was a dimwit and was blowing it.  So to speak.

Edward obviously hadn’t given this little exercise much thought.  He had placed the large pointy hat over his face, and the small one over his junk.  Talk about downplaying one’s assets!  Now, I suppose if he were only doing it to cover himself, the order worked fine.  However, as the eleventh beach bunny walked by shaking her head laughing, I couldn’t help but sigh and palm my face.  I was tempted to swap the hats for him, but yeah…no.  Getting anywhere near another guy’s junk wasn’t going to happen, even a pathetic family member.

I couldn’t resist anymore and flicked my ice cold Dos Equis at him, showering his midsection with frigid beer.  When the cold liquid hit his sun-warmed stomach, he rolled way quickly, swearing at the top of his lungs at the son of a bitch that had spilled their beer on him.  What he didn’t bargain for was rolling into the cute little brunette chick that had sat down next to him and had been eyeing him warily for the past twenty minutes.  She was whiter than sugar on a powdered donut and looked to be about to piss herself when my naked brother rolled up against her, his free willy now looking for open water.

“What the fuck, Emmett!” he yelled at me when he saw me laughing around the mouth of my beer bottle.

“Don’t look now, Edward, but I think she’s about to blow,” I laughed just as the little brunette dumped her drink over his head, her cheeks bright pink with embarrassment at having my brother shove his bare ass into her leg, unintentionally of course.  He pulled his glasses off and shook his head trying to get the pina colada out of his hair.  She quickly started packing up her stuff while my naked brother just lay there dripping and gawking at her.  She stomped away, tugging her modest one-piece swimsuit out of the crack of her perfect little ass as she stumbled her way back up the beach toward the parking lot.  She glanced back at Edward and huffed, tossing her nose into the air as she went.  Unfortunately for her, she plowed right into a pole at the edge of the snow cone stand, knocking herself flat on her back, landing with a thud on the sand.  She was out cold.

I had never seen my brother move so fast.  He tossed his smeared glasses to me and was next to her in an instant, not seeming to remember that he was batter-up and two balls into a walk, or knowing his average, a strike-out.

“Señor, esto no es una playa nudista, you need la ropa or I’ll telephone la policia!” the guy in the stand yelled at Edward in broken English.

“Dude, there’s a chick here that’s hit her head.  What’s wrong with you?” I yelled back at him, “Make yourself useful and call somebody for help!”

I finally got Edward to let go of the girl’s hand and get his speedo back on before we were hauled in.  All the while, the girls that had been laughing earlier shamelessly ogled his impressive man-plow, not to mention a few of the guys.  Yeah, bitches, us Cullen’s were hung.

The little brunette was coming around and had started muttering something about Edward having an extraordinarily high market share in something or other, and then she started babbling about penetration pricing.  If I didn’t know better, I would have though she was talking about buying a hooker, but she was obviously spouting marketing terminology.  She suddenly moaned, “Uhmm…great segment expansion strategy…” and I thought my brother would lose it.

I got a closer look at her and she looked vaguely familiar, but I just couldn’t place her.  The emergency people quickly came down the beach and shuffled her into an ambulance while I stood there with my brother watching them go.  I could tell he wanted to go after them to check on her, but he was suddenly surrounded by more titties than a Hollywood plastic surgeon, all vying to get his attention.

“Damn, Edward, what was that all about?”  I asked him over a redhead that was trying to push her cleavage into his face.

“I don’t know…she just…I don’t know,” he babbled as he stood there dumbfounded.

I wondered if my brother hadn’t just met his nerdy Cinderella.  Too bad she didn’t leave behind a glass slipper, or at least a business card, to help him find her again…

~Dolly Big Momma

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Sombrero's Two
There once was a guy named AngeLou

He was bored and out of things to do.

He decided one day
He would touch himself for play

Because he had nothing. Better. To. Do.

Un-fort-unately
He did this in school district B

And was sent to the slammer for Life.


While he was there
He dreamt of Mexican Beer
And days filled with plenty of cheer

He dreamt of sandy white beach
And ladies unleashed


A place Where he could be free

But it was just a dream
He dreamt of what could’ve
Beeeen

Poor AngeLou
And his Sombrero's Two

~Victoria Maundrell

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Master of Disguise

Ted was invited to the beach with his brother. He was hesitant because it was a nude beach they were going to go to. Mike, his brother, was sure that they, being rather well-hung twins, would get a lot of attention from the ladies. Of course, once they made it to the beach, that wasn’t the case.

After several families and small children ran screaming from them, they realized something was really wrong. It turned out that the beach was only nude on Wednesdays and this was a Tuesday. Mike quickly used the last of his money and bought the last three hats in the vendor shop. “Here, you can have this one,” he said passing one of the large hats to Ted.

Mike took the other two and covered himself front and back, leaving Ted hanging out in the breeze. Ted looked at his watch, noting it was already going on seven o’clock in the evening. He lay on the beach and put the hat on his head.

“Ted, what the heck are you doing?” Mike squealed, “You’re going to get arrested for indecent exposure!”

“No I won’t, just give me a minute,” he said scooping up sand. He started dumping more and more in his lap before he finally started shaping it.

His brother sat next to him, covering himself with a little sombrero, wearing the large one on his head. Ted continued to work while keeping himself covered. It was well on to nine o’clock when he was finally finished. He looked over at his brother and laughed. “My sombrero is bigger than yours,” he teased.

Mike woke from his long nap wondering what the heck his crazy brother was talking about. Ted had made a huge sand sombrero covering his lower half. Ted lay back grinning widely. We’d see who got the better date now.

~Rose von Barnesly