Wednesday, November 30, 2011


Recently Added:

Circles within circles, wide and stark white
Triangle with two circles, flared with all their might
X and Y, X and Y
The third,
Indiscernible to the eye 
Xs and Ys, Xs and Ys
Tan colored rectangles,
Stacked up behind the guys 
A mass of red, overshadows a blob of grey,
Yeah, one of those guys had way too much hash that day
There it floats, all amorphous and green
Phallic they’d describe it, if this were some “art crit-i-cis-eem“
So where are the X’s that require one more
Ah, who gives a shit; in college they’re all just drunk whores

~Nayner Marie


Lartrex had found himself settling in well with the human population. They only had minor difference than him and the fact that they were all internal differences helped him blend. There were other dark-skinned humanoids on the planet and so he found himself blending in easily. His need for citric acid went completely unnoticed as and the few people that did notice only called him a health nut and brushed it off as normal behavior. Though he found it odd because his body couldn’t digest nuts and yet they called him a health nut. Yes, the humans he was staying with were definitely odd.
He found a home in what was called a frat house, which he determined was a home for superior males to copulate. Every weekend woman of all kinds came in seeking copulation. Though Lartex wasn’t really physically different outwardly, he worried about becoming impregnated by a female. He was amazed that all the males of his frat house were not hatching eggs out their ears.
One girl finally pulled him aside reassuring him, that she was on the pill. “The pill?” he asked.
“Yes, you know, so no babies.” She said with an innocent shrug.
“You have a pill that prevents children?” He asked shocked and even more amazed that the female, not the male took it.
She giggled, “How drunk are you?” She asked and started kissing him.
“I have had quite a bit of orange juice, why?” He asked baffled that she was asking about his hydration.
“You are so funny! Show me your room.” She insisted pulling him down the hall.
He had been careful about making sure he had several items in his room that were from this planet. He did get the majority out of discount bins though. He didn’t want to go wasting his money on things he would never use.
She walked around his room and pulled out a disc smirking. “You like Barbra Streisand?”
He shrugged.
“Are you gay?”She asked.
“I am content.” He answered and gave her a soft smile.
“Let me fix that for you.” She said and pinned him to the bed.
He was shocked and amazed at the things she did to his body. He would have to make a special offering of thanks to the Goddess of pleasure for this humanoid being.
What he didn’t realize until three months later was that the little humanoid female had lied. She had given him her egg when she released impregnating him. He shook his head. He knew it was too good to be true. Now he had a baby that he would have to care for in the next year.  
He increased the citric acid in his diet and was careful not to wrestle with the playful males of his house. They seemed to take great pleasure in pushing each other into the ground and then yell ‘rematch’ and go again.
He realized as he stepped out of the shower that he was growing two large lumps and shook his head. “Twins,” He mumbled. Luckily for him the children were growing in his gluteus maximum’s, as the humans called it and having a large one would not draw attention to himself.  He did find it rather nice that the females would often put their hands on his as if they knew sweet babies were growing there. He was sure that was why they were draw to feeling it.
Finally the day came and he delivered the egg sacks in one hard bowel moving push. One was blue and the other green. He knew that meant one of each gender. He carefully tucked them in a warm incubating box, under his bed. He was pleased that he was able to buy one on line and shocked that human egg sacks were so tiny when they delivered. The incubator he purchased had to be modified as it was made to hold a dozen children at once! The thought of raising two young ones was overwhelming. He didn’t know how the humans did it with a dozen. 
Over the next few months he gathered things discreetly for his children storing up fruit and clothes for them and gently bathing their sacks in citrus every night so they would grow big and strong. His frat house mates seemed concerned about him frequently locking himself up in his room and asked if he was alright. He considered telling them about the children but was still too nervous about their reaction.
One afternoon he came home from class to find his frat mates laughing as they tossed something around. When he took a moment longer to see what it was he screamed in terror.
“Stop!” He shouted in horror as he watched them toss his children around.
“What is the deal with these water balloons?” One guy asked.
“What?” He was confused he had never heard of such a thing. “Give them back!” He shouted as his children were playfully passed around.
“Oh we will give them back!” One annoying male heckled and then threw his son with such force he thought for sure he would be brain damaged.  Lartex caught and cuddled the baby close to his chest then looked up at the man holding his daughter. “Give it to me now!” He shouted.
“Dude, sorry, is it like your science experiment of something? I hope we didn’t mess up your results to bad.”
Lartex snatched his daughter out of the fools hand and ran into his room. He gentle placed them in the incubator and soaked them in citrus hoping its healing properties would save his children from any damage, then sat down and cried.
It was time to go home to Tarmex.  This planet filled with idiot humans would not be a safe place to hatch his children.  Obviously the dozen eggs they delivered met with demise and that is why the population was not so dense. He realized now that a few of the frat mates had showed him family pictures and all only had one or two siblings of the dozen. He shook his head. The earth humans were vile creatures to dispose of children in such a state. He would not raise his family here. No, he would go home and never return.

~Rose Von Barnesly


An excerpt from
A future story by Dollybigmomma

The day had started out looking so good.  It really had.  Everyone had slept well, all the volunteers had been brought up to speed, and Edward had grinned at me without it being because I had tripped over my own feet or had had to change another of Mr. Stewart’s ripe Depends that had me running and gaging again.  The old man was a sweetheart, but I swear he had the bowel movements of a two hundred pound skunk.
For as good as it had seemed, the day had suddenly gone horribly wrong.  I was so going to kill Edward’s great-grandfather, not to mention Edward for sneaking the things in to him.
“Catch it, Doris!” Edgar yelled as Aunt Doris tried to catch the next water balloon.  Yes, Edgar in all his immature eighty-four year old glory had decided a game of water balloon toss was a great way to help the senior ladies improve their dexterity and arm strength.  Never mind the dirty old bastard had managed to get them all to wear their thin white t-shirts the center had given them under the guise that they would look like a ‘team.’  Yeah, right.  The old pervert just wanted a front row seat to the impromptu wet t-shirt contest he had instigated.  
As predicted, Aunt Doris was drenched when the balloon burst in her hands.  “Oh, my!” she squealed when the cold water splattered all over her, thoroughly soaking her shirt.  Now, had this been the beach in Miami during spring break, this wouldn’t have been that bad.  But Aunt Doris was a long way from being a co-ed and her boobs were even longer, literally. 
Yeah, time had not been kind in the perky boobs department for Aunt Doris.
“Woohoo!” Edgar hollered, quickly filling up another balloon.  “Okay, Mrs. Daugherty, it’s comin’ at ya, catch!” he yelled.  Edgar turned around and bent over, hiking it at her like a football, launching the balloon filled with water.  Now, to describe Mrs. Daugherty’s cleavage, one would have to take extra care to give props to the enthusiasm of her late husband and his generosity where her plastic surgeon had been concerned.  Unfortunately, said plastic surgeon had long since passed and Mrs. Daugherty could have definitely used his expertise in keeping things where they belonged now.  Needless to say, Silicone Valley had developed a fault line and it had since become a tragic landscape.
“I’ve got it!” Mrs. Daugherty screamed, but she missed.  The balloon burst against her right shoulder, barely wetting her.  Edgar apparently wasn’t thrilled with that outcome, so he quickly launched another one at her.  The first splash had started seeping down and wetting her shirt more, revealing the scary vision of Mrs. Daugherty’s freaky breast sans a brassiere.  Tyler, one of the high school volunteers, was frozen in a look of shock and horror as the second balloon made contact.
“SCORE!” Edgar yelled as the front of her shirt was drenched.  “Beautiful!” he grinned as the entire mountain range became visible under her thin wet shirt.
“Dude!  You’ve got to be kidding me!” Tyler screamed looking at Edgar.  “The last time I saw something like that, there were signs warning of falling rocks!”
“Have some respect, young man.  Just because the mountains have shifted and worn down with age doesn’t mean they aren’t still just as scenic a view to an appreciative climber!” Edgar chastised.
“Freaky old people,” Tyler grumbled under his breath.


Bionic  Engineering
Noooooo! This couldn't be happening. 
My graduate's project was being ruined by some stupid jocks. I worked non stop all year to engineer a pair of arms as my senior years thesis project and my jock roommate and his dumb ass friends were about to ruin the robotic inserts with non other than water balloons. I've always been interested in bionics ever since I was a kid and my jaw was eatten alive from a vicous flesh eating spider bite. Well thats the quick version, but i was fortunate enough to have been the only person on the waiting list for a chin relacement. The donor was ten years older than me but my parents didnt care it was a small risk i'm glad they took. Now that im older and have grown into it, it doesnt look so weird.  The ladies love it. Now for this stupid idiot. If he ruins my bionic arms, im posting that picture he keeps under his pillow of his appendage all over the schools website. Perhaps I should re-think my course of study in bionics and look into bionic penis replacements.

Victoria. Maundrell-

Friday, November 18, 2011



By Dollybigmomma
Rated M+ for strong subject matter

I once heard someone say that happiness was a state of mind, something you could even choose if you were of a mind to do so.  They lied.  I didn’t ever remember being happy, not until I met Edward.  All I ever remembered was Mikey.  Mikey was bad.  He liked to do things that hurt and he scared me.
I hated Mikey.
I was only two the first time Mikey came into my room at night.  He always came with my stepfather, Phil.  Mikey went to work with Phil after dinner and they didn’t come home until very late, after my mom and I were already in bed.  Mom said that people thought Mikey was funny and paid lots of money to see him and Phil and we should be grateful we had him.  I didn’t understand that. 
Phil was the love of my mother’s life.  She left my real dad, Charlie, before I was even born so he never knew about me.  I didn’t even know about him until I was older, until after…
When I was three and a half, my mom died of a fatal fall down the stairs of our house.  Her neck was broken.  I remembered hearing her arguing with Phil right before it happened, but being so young, I really didn’t know to tell the police about it.  It had started happening all the time, so it wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to.  Besides, Phil said it was an accident.
Phil had adopted me and given me his last name, so I was left with him after mom was gone.  And Mikey.  Mikey insisted I sleep with him and Phil then and the things Mikey did to me started happening every night.  I buried my head under the pillows and cried.  Sometimes I screamed from the pain. 
When I was five, I started school.  That was where I met Edward.  He was sitting alone behind the kickball screen playing with the blades of tall grass growing there.  He taught me how to braid that day with some of the longer ones. He was two grades ahead of me and lived in a foster home down the street from my house.  He said there was no one like Mikey in his house, but he had two older foster brothers named James and Laurent who did some of the same things to him as Mikey did to me.  Like Mikey, James and Laurent told him they would hurt him worse or even kill him if he told anyone what they were doing.  He believed them like I believed Mikey.  I didn’t want to hurt any worse so I kept quiet, as did Edward. 
He hated them as much as I hated Mikey.
Edward taught me a game he played when James and Laurent were hurting him.  He called it the away game.  He pretended he was away from them, living in a place where he was loved and where nobody hurt him.  “I can go there in my head and it doesn’t hurt so much, at least some of the time.  Sometimes, though, what they do is in my face and they make me keep my eyes open and watch them do it, so it’s harder then,” he said quietly.  I knew what he meant.
By the time I was eight, my chest had bulged out and I had started bleeding regularly.  This wasn’t so bad because for those few days, Mikey left me alone.  I was still hiding my head under the pillows, but at least I had kind of gotten used to what Mikey was doing, so it didn’t hurt as much. 
That was until I turned twelve and Mikey started lying next to me while Phil took over. I learned to play the away game for all I was worth then.  The first time this happened, I could barely walk at school the next day.  Edward noticed.
“What’s the matter, Bella?”
I couldn’t say anything.  Phil had figured out that Edward was my friend and he said he would kill him and bury him in the backyard under the shed if I talked.  I somehow knew he would do it, too, so I lied and said I had fallen down and hurt myself.  I didn’t think Edward believed me, but he understood and didn’t ask any more questions.
By the time I was thirteen, Mikey was doing really well with Phil at his job, so they were gone overnight a lot more.  They left me home alone and I loved it.  On some of those nights, Edward would sneak out of his foster house and come stay with me.  On those nights, we both slept better than we ever did otherwise.  We always slept on the couch because I didn’t want to be in the same room where I had to sleep when Phil was home.
Mr. Yorkie was the counselor at school, and he was one of Phil’s best friends.  They were also very good friends with Edward’s foster dad, Mr. Newton, as well as Mr. Crowley, who was Edward’s caseworker.  We lived in a very small town, so this wasn’t all that surprising.  I was fourteen and Edward was almost sixteen and just a week from his birthday when he finally said he’d had enough after a night where James had been particularly rough with him.  James and Laurent were just months from turning eighteen themselves and leaving the foster home, but they had promised to make every day they had left with Edward count.  When they weren’t going at each other, they still went after Edward, sometimes both at once now.   He suggested we be brave and talk to the counselor and his caseworker about what was happening to us.  They didn’t believe us and called Edward a troublemaker, accusing him of defaming two upstanding citizens who had served the community diligently for years.  They were going to ship him off to a military-type disciplinary school the next morning, and they said they were going to talk to Phil about what I had said.  I knew that would be deadly.
As soon as school let out, we ran and never looked back.


The Big Brother

As the only child I was the center of my parent’s attention. We traveled around the world, entertained many people from cruise ship guests to the President of the United States of America; yes Ronald Wilson Regan. That guy is so cool. I have a picture of us together on my nightstand. I find it comforting to stare at our picture at night, it helps me drift off to sleep imagining him say “Read my lips, No new taxes” repeatedly fills me with an indescribable tranquil peace.
I’m getting off track, where was I? Oh yes, life was good. My mother was the perfect image of what a mother should be. She constantly told me how much she loved me and played with me when dad and I weren’t rehearsing for our shows. I had a dress suit for everyday of the week. My mom was the best and she has excellent taste in designer wear.

We traveled the world entertaining the rich and privileged. Mom was always cheering us on in the front row of every show.

Little did I know all that was about to change. One night while mom was tucking me in my corvette bed she told me soon I would have a brother or sister to play with. I didn’t quite understand her, I asked her why? She said the treatment worked something about test tubes and DNA as she patted her stomach. It was all too much to comprehend.

That night sleep did not find me easily. Not even my cassette of Ronald Regan’s 1992 election speech being played on my walk man would help me. I just couldn’t sleep. Why would they want another child? Was I not good enough? Wasn’t I a good boy? Were they getting rid of me?
Curses! Cures I say. I need to know and I need to know now. If I couldn’t sleep, then no one can.

I shimmied my way out of my car bed, grabbed Teddy Ruxpin’s hand and made my way down the dark corridor to my parent’s room. Drat I should’ve grabbed my Glow Worm it’s really dark and creepy at night.

Knocking ever so gently I said “Mom, Dad.”
“Son?” my dad said
“Dad, was I bad? Did I do something wrong? Am I being replaced?” I couldn’t help myself I was rambling.
“No son, of course not” dad said as he picked me and Teddy up.

I guess you’re old enough now to understand and I’ll start from the beginning. You see while traveling in little Italy I meet a nice fellow named Geppetto-litto he was frantic he said in a thick Italian accent “Hey ah you ah Mister comeah here, and takah me boy, They come to takah me away.” As he shoved me into his trinket store of handmade wooden goods.
He shoved a large leather case in my hands and said while shoving me out the door “Promise me you takah good care of me boy, he’s ah special boy”. 
I nodded my head and started to walk away looking over my shoulder. No sooner did a large white van show up with large black lettering that read: STATE ASYLUM.
I thought to myself this can’t be good. As two large uniformed men in white pants and button down shirts exited the vehicle and barged into Geppitto-litto’s shop and took him away in a straight jacket.

Once home I told mom what happened and we opened the large case together. “Do you remember that day, Pino?”
I was so enrapt in the story I simply shook my head No.

Well that was the best day of me and mom's life, that was the day you came into our lives. Once we opened that case there you were, sleeping like a little prince and when you opened your eyes, you looked at us and smiled. I’ll never forget that day Little Pino, that was the day you made me and moms life complete. We couldn’t have children of our own and here you were thrust into our arms. God finally answered our prays.

“Well why did mom say I’d have a brother or sister coming?”
“Oh, Pino mom is pregnant” dad said “That means she has a baby growing inside her stomach not like you but more like mom.”

“The baby will grow and grow and eventually be as tall as me or mom”, dad said. But you’ll always be their big brother dad said as he rubbed my head.

“Ok dad”, I said as I snuggled into him

That night dad let me stay in between him and mom and I drifted off into a deep sleep. In my sleep I dreamt of our family and my new brother or sister taking our family picture together. When I turned my head to see my brother or sister I noticed they were wearing my brand new “We Are The World” T shirt!
Sharing my parents fine but sharing my favorite T shirt, wait a minute I hope they don’t think I’m sharing my Ronald Regan speech collection, I have on cassette tapes! Because that’s where I draw the line.

Victoria Maundrell-


Janet and the Dummy

Janet had lost it on her last date. The man not only smacked her in the face with the door which he did not hold, but he wanted to split the check after a horrible dinner discussing his bowel movements, completely ruining her appetite. Who on earth could eat sausages after a discussion like that? Especially when he started pointing out how his sausage looked very much like what he had pooped just before the date. 
Yes, horrible was an understatement.
When she got home, she flipped on the TV, only to be stuck watching an idiot with his hand shoved up a doll’s behind. It was supposedly a ventriloquist act, but they sucked. Janet figured she could do better, so she went to the second-hand store and found a ventriloquist dummy and decided to call it Timmy. She practiced for hours and hours and thought how wonderful it was that she could converse with Timmy and he never once mentioned anything gross or crude. Yes, Timmy was a perfect gentleman.
She even took him to work with her at the funeral parlor to help cheer up the sad people who had just lost a loved one. Timmy was her best friend and she wondered if she ever needed a man after him.
Then one day, a woman had an odd request. Her husband wanted to be stuffed and mounted next to his animals that he had hunted. He was supposed to strike a pose with his bear. The woman ended up making her odd request, asking if we could stuff him so he could be posed.
It took a lot of work and help from Janet, but her father was finally able to stuff the man and make him able to be posed for his wife. Jokingly, Janet practiced her ventriloquist skills, scaring the crap out of the receptionist.
It was then the little seed of a plan was formed.
She used her funeral home connections to get into a morgue and steal the body of a nice looking man. She remembered and used all the skills her father had taught her and stuffed him so he could be posed as well. He was perfect. He never spoke out of turn and listened to her every word. She made up a fake job for him, saying he was an accountant and introduced him to all of her friends and family as her boyfriend. They supposedly eloped and then she decided she wanted a baby. She knew she couldn’t have one with her ‘husband’ and so they decided to adopt.
Her little girl was not as well-behaved as her husband or her ‘brother,’ Timmy, but she was cute and would do. They took a family picture for Christmas and her daughter sat holding her stuffed kitten while Janet held her stuffed husband. Yes, Janet was sure she would raise her daughter to be just like her.

~Rose von Barnesly

Friday, November 11, 2011


Sonic Blow
I wake up on the floor of my hair salon. I don’t even have to look around, I already know. Damn it! It’s happened again. The Sonic Blow.
Glad I doubled up on property insurance since the last time this happened over two years ago. Ever since then I promised I would never bring a dude back home. You see I live in the back of the salon. It’s a pretty posh place and I’m never late for work. LOL
But last night I went to the bar down the street and I kept drinking and this dude was a total gorilla. Tall, tanned and juiced a real lumber Jack just the way I like em’.
Well, one thing led to the other and we never made it to the rear apartment before he had me on my knees and I was giving him the best head he ever had in his life. I should’ve stopped when I knew he was getting close but my ego wouldn’t quit. Then it happened he came and so did the sonic boom. He flew straight across the room, dead weight with a smile on his face. Dumb jock. Yep, I’m good!


I was young and fresh out of cosmetology school. I was so excited when I got my first job working at a Salon. I had only been working for two weeks when she walked through the doors. She was a tall beautiful blonde. When the shop owner, Roberta, told the young lady that I would be doing her hair I immediately felt nervous, almost like it was my first time ever picking up scissors. She sat at my chair and introduced herself, “Hi, I’m Charlene”. “H-h-h-hi. I’m Marybeth,” I stuttered. As beautiful as she was, something about this woman gave me this eerie feeling that she just wasn’t stable and that really seemed to have an affect on me. She told me exactly what she wanted. I meticulously cut her hair not wanting to make a mistake. After her hair was cut, blown dry and styled she decided that she wanted her hair colored as well. I wish she had told me sooner. I guess she wanted to see the finished product first. I then proceeded to mix her colors. I swear I had done every thing right. I don’t know what went wrong but when I washed the color from her hair but the perfect Marilyn Monroe blonde hair some how turned PURPLE! I apologized profusely and was on the brink of tears when she gave me a death stare. I just couldn’t bring myself to turning her chair so that she could get a look at her new color in the mirror. Before I could bring myself to facing her to the mirror she stood up and faced it herself. I’m not really sure what happened next. Her hair burst into flames. The purple began to turn red, to orange, and than to bright white. Blue flames licked from the ends of what had once been her hair. Then I loud growl came from Charlene’s throat. Hair dryers began to explode. Chairs burst into flames. I couldn’t move everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Women were fleeing for the doors. When I finally realized what was happening Roberta was pulling me out of the Salon. I stood there and watched the Salon go up in flames. Thank God the Fire Department was only blocks away and was able to put the fires out before the building could burn to the ground. As I walked through the aftermath I found a purse still slung over the back of my customer chair. I pulled out the wallet to see Charlene smiling in her driver’s licenses photo. Her full name was Charlene McGee. Who knew that my customer was the very own “Firestarter”.

~Selene de Modelo


Cutting Edge

I hoped this wasn’t a sign.
Lightening streaked across the sky and thunder crashed right above the house as I tried to get dressed.  It was already after sunset and really cold outside, and the lights were out due to the storm, so the house was all kinds of dark and spooky.  As I dug through my closet for something to wear to my meeting, I wondered, what did one wear for this sort of thing anyway?  I wished we were meeting during the daytime, but like me, the gentleman I was meeting had classes during the day and could only meet me this evening.  I finally dragged on the first pair of jeans I found that fit and wriggled into a sweater I dug out of the back of my closet, hoping the two would somehow coordinate.  Knowing my luck, and my wardrobe, however, that probably wouldn’t be the case, but I was already running late and didn’t have time to find a flashlight right now.
I grabbed my purse and scrambled out to my truck, climbing in while trying not to get too drenched.  The hood of my coat blew off, letting my hair get soaked and messing up what effort I had put into it.  Now I looked like a damned drowned rat.  Ha, try saying that ten times fast!  There wasn’t much I could do about it given the weather, though, but it still bugged me.  I was a beauty school graduate for heaven sakes, I was supposed to look polished and all put together.  Right now, however, I looked like a stray cat trying to climb out of a well.  That was going to make a great impression, I mumbled to myself sarcastically.
I drove through the darkened streets toward my meeting, trying to avoid the potholes in the road that would surely mess up my alignment again.  I couldn’t afford another round of auto repairs right now.  School had taken most of what was left of the money from my parent’s after I had paid off Charlie’s house and all their outstanding bills after they died.  That was two years ago, and it was on a night like this that it had happened…
I had been living in Arizona with my mother since their divorce, but I came back to visit Charlie pretty regularly.  He was the town’s Chief of Police and was really busy, but he always took off time for my visits and so we were close.  I nearly lost it when I got word that he had been injured on the job during a drug bust, and so I had offered to come back to Washington and stay with him while he recuperated and help him out after he finally got out of the hospital, which was anticipated to be over Labor Day weekend. He had been shoved down a flight of stairs, so his injuries were pretty bad and would have him out of work and in rehab until after the New Year. The plan was for me to stay until Christmas, and then go back home after Charlie was able to take full care of himself again.  
Right before I was to leave for Charlie’s, my mom had met Phillip.  Theirs was a whirlwind romance and they ended up driving to Vegas and getting married after only having known each other over a weekend.  Mom was happy, though, happier than she had been in ages. Phil was apparently good for her.  Despite having been divorced when I was just a baby, she and Charlie had remained somewhat friendly, and so they made plans for mom and her new husband to come up with me to Charlie’s when he was released from the hospital so they could spend my sixteenth birthday with me and get me enrolled in high school.  They were also going to help me get Charlie to his rehab appointments that first week until I could get my permanent Washington driver’s license.   
I’d had excellent grades and had been advanced in school.  I was actually a year and a half ahead of my peers, so I was scheduled to enter Forks high school as a senior when school started up again. I was only going to be there for the fall, and then I was supposed to graduate at the end of the semester before Christmas and then return to Arizona.
I never made it. 
Charlie’s rehab session had been scheduled late that first evening, and so mom and Phil went to pick him up while I finished making dinner.  They never made it home.  All three of them were killed when a truck skidded on the rain-slicked highway, hitting them head on.  My whole world was shattered that night. 
Having no other relatives alive, I became a ward of the state.  Charlie’s best friend, Billy Black, stepped up and managed to get them to let me stay with them, and he helped me to get Charlie and Renee’s affairs settled.  Phil had an older daughter from a previous marriage, so she said she would handle everything in Arizona.  She handled everything alright.  She stripped the house bare; taking every last thing inside it, including things that had belonged to my mother’s family for generations.  She had either sold or traded everything away for drugs before I could do anything about it.  The only reason she didn’t get away with selling the house itself was because it was only in my mother’s name; they had never had a chance to change it.  Phil had been a nice guy, but apparently that was where it ended.
 Charlie’s life insurance policy wasn’t very much, and our house in Arizona sold way below market value due to the crappy economy and the stripped-down condition of it, so I didn’t have much to work with after everything was paid off.  I decided I wanted to keep Charlie’s house and once I was able, I would move back there until I knew what I was doing with my future.  I quickly got a job at a hair salon in town to help earn my keep since Billy was already struggling just to feed himself and his son, Jacob.  After fighting Jacob off for the third time, though, I filed for emancipation and at the age of sixteen, I was deemed an adult and was on my own. 
I moved back to Charlie’s house and finished high school, graduating with honors.  Even with a scholarship, I didn’t have enough money left to head straight off to a university, so I decided I needed to get some kind of training to help support myself better and save up to go so I wouldn’t have to starve while trying to study.  I dipped into my meager inheritance and enrolled in a cosmetology college during the day, as well as a massage therapy school at night in Port Angeles.  I figured I could make decent money being able to perform full spa services while I saved up, and then I could attend a university later on for the degree I really wanted.  Working in a salon was not my first choice of careers, but I had a knack for it and the tips were decent, so I went with it as a means to an end.
It was now two years since the accident and I was still no closer to leaving Forks, at least not anytime soon.  I wished Charlie and Renee were here to see me now, though. Of course, they would have probably been happier if I was still going to school out east at some fancy Ivy League university that cost more per semester to attend than Charlie made in six months, but at least I had done something with myself besides drop out of high school and settle for living on the rez with Jacob and Billy.  That would have been Jake’s preference, to keep me there, barefoot and pregnant by now, but I still had my eye on that Ivy League education.  It was just going to take a while before I could afford it.
I turned down the street of the address I had been given.  I was taking a huge step today; I was planning, at eighteen years of age, to become a business owner.  I was meeting a Mr. Cullen to negotiate investing my talents and remaining money into a new salon he was planning on opening near the downtown area.  Apparently, the place had once belonged to his grandparents who were a barber and a beautician, and it needed a little bit of updating, but he assured me it was completely doable and I would have great access to clientele who worked around there and would appreciate my services and pay well for them.  There were several hair salons in the area, but he had a vision of a state-of-the-art spa that offered cutting-edge services to a growing customer base.  It had all sounded so wonderful.  However, as I parked my truck next to a small silver car in front of the two-story building with the address he had given me my mouth fell open in shock
Was he serious?
I could see someone through the filthy windows pacing back and forth inside and I assumed it was Mr. Cullen.  There was a dim light shining behind him from what looked like a camping lamp, and I could see he was quite tall. I slowly got out of my truck and walked to the door, pulling it open and gasping.  The place was almost indescribable.  It looked like I had stepped back in time to the 1940’s, and World War II had been raged right here in this little shop from the looks of it.  The place was a disaster.
The man who had been pacing looked up at me, and had I not been so shocked, not to mention pissed, I would have found him extremely attractive.
“Ms. Swan, thank you so much for coming. I-” he started but I cut him off.
“A little updating?  You’ve got to be kidding me!” I growled at him, “I’ve seen tamer-looking haunted houses!”
I turned on my heel, ready to stomp my way back out the door when he caught my elbow.
“Please!” he said in a begging voice, “Please, just hear me out.  I’m sorry if I seemed to misrepresent things, I really didn’t mean to mislead you, it’s just that…this place means so much to me, to my family,” he said sounding genuine.  “Can we please just talk?”
I finally turned around and looked at him in the dim light of the camping lamp.  He looked like he was on the verge of tears and being the sucker I was for a sensitive guy, I nodded.  I was still seething, but I was starting to calm down some.
He pulled out a large, long roll of paper and unfurled it in one of the old pink chair seats, pulling the camping lamp a little closer so that I could see it was a set of blueprints.
“My great grandparents opened this shop in 1946 after the second world war.  They put every dime they had into building it and getting it off the ground.  They spent their whole life here and taught my grandmother and mother their trade.  There’s a two-bedroom apartment upstairs, as well as their house out back where they lived and where I live now.  That was where my grandmother as well as my mother was born, in that house.  I played in the yard here as a child and all my best memories are here. When I was born, my grandmother retired so she could watch me during the day while my parents worked.  She recently passed away and left the place to me, her oldest and favorite grandson,” he smiled. “I own the property outright and there are no liens or back taxes on it.  It’s all clear to be renovated,” he said pulling out some sketches.
“As you can see, the place hasn’t been in business for over twenty-five years,” he said gesturing around the room. “As bad as it looks now, the structure is still very sound and just needs some minor repairs.  The worst of it is cosmetic.  I’ve consulted an architect and a designer, also known as my sister, Alice, and her husband, Jasper, and they’ve drawn up some plans for improvements.  That’s where you come in,” he smiled sheepishly.
 “I’m not a wealthy man, Ms. Swan, just you’re average guy.  I can foot about a fourth of the costs up front with what savings I have, and I can get another fifty percent of it financed; it’s that last fourth that’s the hold up.  I know it doesn’t look like much now, but I know it could be.  I just need someone who’s willing to see beyond the broken tiles, dirt, and dust to help me get it off the ground again; someone who has a dream and a vision and is willing to work hard and take a chance.”
He walked up to me slowly and the intensity of his gaze had me spellbound. “Are you that someone, Ms. Swan?  Can I count on you to help me bring this place back to life?” he asked and his voice cracked on the last word.  I was frozen in place, held there by his eyes and his intoxicating smell.  
I could only nod yes.
“Great!” he said enthusiastically clapping his hands and breaking the spell.  “I have the contracts right here.  Give them a once-over and let me know when you’re ready to sign,” he said with a wide grin, shoving a stack of papers into my hands before clicking off the camping lamp and ushering me out the door.  He quickly hopped in his car and he was gone around the corner. 
I stood there stunned at his rapid change of demeanor, my mouth still gapping after him as he drove away while the rain drenched my hair.
What the hell had I just agreed to?



Ahead Of the Crowd

It was my first time in a bar in this town. I had just moved from the big city to a quiet little place called Dysentery. I thought it an odd name. It sounded familiar, though, like I had heard it before, but I decided not to worry too much about it because the real estate was cheap and the population was only two hundred seventy-one. Well now it was two hundred seventy-two, I thought with a grin as I sat down. I patted down my hair. It wasn’t fairing well through my move, but when I looked around, everyone else seemed to look a little frazzled, too.
An odd but handsome man came walking in with very well-styled hair. He had sheers on his belt along with a comb and spray bottle. Everyone seemed to shift away from him when he looked at them. He tisked in disgust and walked over to the bar. He looked me up and down and smiled. “You condition,” he said with such relief.
“Um, yes, of course.” I was a girl, of course I conditioned.
He let out a sigh, “You could use a trim, though,” he said picking up my new split ends.
“I could, I think the dry air is wreaking havoc on my head.”
His eyes seemed to light up and he pulled out his sheers, snipping off a few obvious split ends. “Can I buy you a drink?  So few people appreciate good hair here.”
I let out a laugh looking around. A few patrons shook their heads no at me, but I thought they were crazy. I would swear one looked like they had a rat’s nest on their head. I was sure I saw the rat poke its head out from the tangle they called hair. I cleared my throat and looked away from the freaks. “Yeah, sure, you can by me a drink. I take it you take care of the local hair?” I asked.
“I wish.  The freaks won’t let me anywhere near them,” he said and reached his sheers out, snipping some split ends off the waitress walking past. “I have to get them trimmed where I can,” he whispered and snipped at another patron walking past us. This one bumped me, slipping me a note. The thing was written in horribly messy handwriting.
Barber not sane run!
I crumbled up the paper and stuck it in my pocket, looking back across the bar. I noticed there was a line forming for the bathrooms. “Looks like there‘s a long line.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for living in Dysentery. I suggest you not use the restroom here. It’s disgusting, almost as bad as their hair.”
The bartender set the drink I ordered down in front of me and then twitched his head toward the door. I wondered if he had Tourette’s syndrome.
I drained my drink slowly, amused as this fancy-haired man snipped at people’s hair as they walked past.  Once I was finished, I looked over at him smiling. He really was handsome and I was lonely and could use a good conditioning.
“Hey, I never did catch your name,” I said smoothly.
“Timothy,” he said smiling.
“Well, Timothy, I’m Angela and I need a good deep conditioning. Do you think you’re up for the task?” I asked.
He jumped around giddily, squealing like a school girl. There went my hopes of getting laid. What, it was possible for a hairdresser to be strait!
He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the bar and down the sidewalk. We went three buildings down when we stopped in front of an old torn up building. “This is my shop, I know it isn’t much to look at, but I swear I can work around the angry mob disaster.”
“Angry mob disaster?” I asked.
“Can you believe they wanted to run me out of town for introducing them to hot waxing? I mean my god, have you seen their facial hair? I swear the bearded woman has nothing on this crowd. The wolf man legend was born here,” he said dusting off a chair as I hopped over a few loose tiles.
“Oh, do you do eyebrows?” I asked.
He looked over me grinning widely. “Yes, oh, God, you’re a dream come true, a person who grooms!”
He opened the back closet door for supplies and I saw several mannequin heads with fancy hair. “I like the highlights on the third one.”
He froze in place and glanced back at me and then looked where I was looking. “What?” he asked.
“The head over there, top row, third head over, could I get highlights like that?” I asked.
He grinned so big and wide it was creepy for a second, but he contained himself.  He closed the door and looked bashful for a second. “No one has ever complimented me on my work,” he blushed. “You’re so sweet.”
“No, you’re very talented to accomplish that in this place, you must be very gifted.” I knew you should always be on the good side of your beautician. He was one person you never wanted to piss off or you would end up looking like a freak for the next few months trying to grow out their retribution.
He gave me the works. I was shampooed and deep conditioned, waxed, trimmed, and highlighted, then styled to perfection. He wiped the mirror down so I could see myself.
“Oh, Timothy, you’re a miracle worker. Please tell me I can have a standing appointment with you every week to keep this up.”
He squealed, “My first real customer!” He hugged, me swinging me around in a circle.
When he set me down, I gently patted my head. “Watch the hair,” I said smiling, “Of course, I really don’t mind coming back and having it fixed now do I?” I giggled.
When I walked out of the shop, Timothy was waving at me frantically, smiling as I walked home. The streets were lined with people staring at me like they were in shock. I’d finally had enough and asked a lady down the street what the problem was.
“He didn’t chop off your head!”
I laughed, “Why on earth would he chop off my head?” I asked.
“He has a closet full of heads!”
“Hairdressers always have fake heads to practice on,” I explained.  This small-minded group was ridiculous. I walked a little further and passed the alley that would go behind the hairdresser shop. I saw Timothy wrestling a poor messy-haired girl. I wished they would just let him fix their hair. He looked up at me and waved. “I’ll see you next week!” he shouted.
“You bet you will!” I said waving as he dragged the crazy-haired freak in through his back door. When I got home, there was a knock on my door. It was the sheriff.
“Ma’am, I’ve come to check on you,” he said looking at my head funny.
“That’s very kind of you. So are you going to be changing the population sign to two hundred seventy-two?” I asked trying to make conversation.
“Nah, Tim got Mary Sue, took her head right off like he did with the other folks. He usually just gets people passing through town, but for some reason, he didn’t take your head off and took out a local instead. I can’t have him doing that.”
I looked at him confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Timmy boy is a serial killer, but he mostly doesn’t mess with the locals. It’s only me and another guy, and three bullets. We used to have six, but we spent three the last time we tried to stop him, so we all just try and warn people to stay away from him.”
“You can’t be serious. This man is a hair genius!  If he lived anywhere else, he would be worshipped for his skills!” I grabbed his hand, “Feel this. My hair is soft as kitten hair after he conditioned me,” I said smashing his hand into my hair. “And that’s even with highlighting, HIGHLIGHTING I say, most people have rough haystack hair after highlighting.”
I spent the rest of the week avoiding the crazy townspeople. When I showed up for my appointment, I brought flowers and a broom with me. “I was thinking I would help you clean this place up. You really need to so you can showcase your talent, Timothy. I’ve never met a man as gifted as you.”
He wiped a tear away and put the flowers in an empty spray bottle. “You’re such a gem, Angela,” he hugged me to him.
“Why don’t we clean and then you can clean me up afterwards. It’ll be fun!” I said sounding giddy even to myself.
We made quick work of the floor and then he pulled out some thick goopy glue and used it to stick the loose tiles down. I washed down all the walls, mirrors, and chairs and he dragged the old broken sink out the back.  I noticed he was missing a couple of light fixtures and asked him about them.
“The crazy law men came shooting up the place! I only have the one light now because of them. It makes working at night very difficult.”
“Don’t worry; I’ve installed ceiling fans at my last couple of places so I can put a little light in, no problem.” I went to the hardware store and bought two light fixtures and some fancy curtains to hang in his windows. I found a huge five gallon bucket of pretty ‘oops’ paint and bought it as well. He was my only friend in town and I wanted to let him know I appreciated him even if everyone else didn’t.
He wiped tears away from his eyes as I helped him paint the walls, covering the old stained paper on them. Once we were done, I put up the light fixtures while he hung the curtains. The place looked so much better. I washed my hands and then plopped down in the chair.
“Well, Timothy, are you still up for pampering me or shall we reschedule?” I asked.
He smiled. “Let me order takeout and I’ll take care of you after dinner. I’m buying, it’s the least I could do for you after all this,” he said and wiped another tear.
The one diner in town did deliver, but they just set the food at the shop door and then ran. I shook my head. “When are people going to get it through their heads that you can help them look beautiful?” I asked.
He smiled as he walked over to me, kissing my lips softly, completely shocking me. I had been sure he was gay. I smiled and jumped on him, attacking him wildly and I think surprising him a little. He sat down with me in his lap. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. In the end, I always convince them their head is best in my hands when it comes to grooming,” he kissed me lightly, “I have a closet full of them to prove it,” he whispered and continued to kiss me passionately, making me feel things I never had before. His words bounced around my head, though, and I tried to make sense of it all, but I couldn’t.
After a very vigorous make out and grooming session, I promised to return again for my weekly appointment and blushed as he winked at me.  God, he was amazing!
I let out a giddy sigh as I skipped down the sidewalk.
“So, did you see the closet full of heads?” a woman asked me and I rolled my eyes and walked on ignoring her. “Wait, could you just take a look at this picture?” she held up a picture of a woman with messy brown hair, “Is her head in the closet?”
She did look familiar for a moment as I stared at it trying to place her. Then it all sank in.
“Top shelf, third head over, beautiful highlights,” I said more to myself than the woman.
She gasped and ran away.
Well, shit, apparently I really was dating a serial killer.

~Rose von Barnesly

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Nude Beach

I’ve always wanted to go to a Nude Beach. So finally my friends and I decided to just do it. None of us had been before and we didn’t know any one that had gone either and because of that we had no warnings before our experience. So we made the hour and a half drive to the beach. When we pulled into the parking lot I have to admit, I started to feel the butterflies. My girl friends, Joel and Mena, we giddy with excitement they wouldn’t stop laughing.  “Are you okay Anna? You are looking a little green”, said Mena as she giggled. “No, I’m fine. Just a little nervous”, I said.  We began walking to the beach. As our feet hit the sand I was beginning to feel a lot better.  What’s the big deal, I thought. We shouldn’t know anybody here; everything is going to be fine. We are just going to get a little sun on our naked bodies, no biggie. There were a few people on the beach, but no one I noticed was close enough to get a view of their naked bodies.  We found a good spot to settle down and relax. We unpacked our bags and laid out our towels. Then it was time for the big relieve. “Um…. Let’s do this together. On the count of three, we will all strip down to birthday suits. 1…2…3!” I said. It was like a race, the three of us were standing naked on the beach. We had done it. “Ok, let’s get some sun!” said Joel. We put on our SPF laid on our towels and began to soak up the rays. We had only been lying out for 15 minutes when a dark shadow crossed our faces. “He ladies, haven’t I seen you 3 here before?” said a man. As I slowly opened my eyes all I saw was the tiniest of tiny penises in my face! I couldn’t even see his face because he was wearing the biggest sombrero I had ever seen. I think the size of his hat made the size of his penis even smaller. “Excuse me sir, but you hat is blocking our sun!”, obviously Mena hadn’t noticed the size of not there penis. “O-M-G! Sir, I suggest you take your giant hat and your tiny penis else where before I get my pepper spray!”, Mena then began to scream. “Wow! Why so hostile? I just wanted to say hello. Have a nice day bitch!”, said sombrero man. He walked away but not far enough. He then took his towel out of his bag so he could lay it down. I think what Mena said must have gotten to the man, because as he began to settle down on his towel he removed his giant hat to relieve a baby sombrero. He then placed his baby hat on top of his baby penis, then covered his face we his bigger hat. I think I even heard him sobbing.

~Selene de Modelo



Damn, Cancun was hot, and this freaking beach was shit crowded.  I looked over at my stupid brother and snickered.  Idiot. 
My brother, Edward, was a great guy, but sometimes he was just clueless.  We both worked for our father’s advertising firm, me as the firm’s attorney and Edward as an account executive in charge of marketing and advertising for new accounts.  This was funny since he had always been an honest man, and sometimes advertising was anything but honest, but Edward loved his job, as advertising was his life and he was good at it. 
My brother was actually honest to a fault, always certain to return any found articles and he always told the truth.  Being an upright, upstanding citizen was just one of the things he prided himself in.  Like me, Edward was very fit, with a pretty nice body produced by hours of exercise done competitively next to me at our favorite gym.  Yeah, we were pretty good looking guys if I did say so myself.   Well, Edward would be if he got some contacts.  His thick glasses with the old man frames made him look like a nerdy Irish Clark Kent with his reddish hair and green eyes.
Edward was also usually very astute when it came to intellectual things and he was pretty handy overall, making him a fairly well-rounded guy.  However, one thing Edward did not have going for him was a good understanding of women and how they worked.  I had tried to help him out in that department, but he just blew me off, accusing me of being a Neanderthal and a womanizer.  Hey, my motto was whatever worked, and it worked for me because women ate that shit up when I laid it down.
Memorial Day weekend had rolled around and we decided to take a vacation.  This afternoon, we were hanging out on the beach working on our tans.  Edward had decided he wanted to nap while he cooked and he didn’t want any tan lines, so he had decided to use a couple of stupid sombreros he had bought off some kid selling them on the beach to cover his eyes so his thick lenses wouldn’t send lasers through his brain, and to cover his goods. Considering we showered next to each other at the gym, I knew that, like me, my brother was seriously packing and had a lot to cover.  He would have the ladies swarming despite his Coke-bottle glasses if they only knew what he had to offer.  Yep, this was definitely an advertising opportunity.  However, sitting here staring at him now, I was convinced my brother truly was a dimwit and was blowing it.  So to speak.
Edward obviously hadn’t given this little exercise much thought.  He had placed the large pointy hat over his face, and the small one over his junk.  Talk about downplaying one’s assets!  Now, I suppose if he were only doing it to cover himself, the order worked fine.  However, as the eleventh beach bunny walked by shaking her head laughing, I couldn’t help but sigh and palm my face.  I was tempted to swap the hats for him, but yeah…no.  Getting anywhere near another guy’s junk wasn’t going to happen, even a pathetic family member.
I couldn’t resist anymore and flicked my ice cold Dos Equis at him, showering his midsection with frigid beer.  When the cold liquid hit his sun-warmed stomach, he rolled way quickly, swearing at the top of his lungs at the son of a bitch that had spilled their beer on him.  What he didn’t bargain for was rolling into the cute little brunette chick that had sat down next to him and had been eyeing him warily for the past twenty minutes.  She was whiter than sugar on a powdered donut and looked to be about to piss herself when my naked brother rolled up against her, his free willy now looking for open water.
“What the fuck, Emmett!” he yelled at me when he saw me laughing around the mouth of my beer bottle.
“Don’t look now, Edward, but I think she’s about to blow,” I laughed just as the little brunette dumped her drink over his head, her cheeks bright pink with embarrassment at having my brother shove his bare ass into her leg, unintentionally of course.  He pulled his glasses off and shook his head trying to get the pina colada out of his hair.  She quickly started packing up her stuff while my naked brother just lay there dripping and gawking at her.  She stomped away, tugging her modest one-piece swimsuit out of the crack of her perfect little ass as she stumbled her way back up the beach toward the parking lot.  She glanced back at Edward and huffed, tossing her nose into the air as she went.  Unfortunately for her, she plowed right into a pole at the edge of the snow cone stand, knocking herself flat on her back, landing with a thud on the sand.  She was out cold.
I had never seen my brother move so fast.  He tossed his smeared glasses to me and was next to her in an instant, not seeming to remember that he was batter-up and two balls into a walk, or knowing his average, a strike-out.
SeƱor, esto no es una playa nudista, you need la ropa or I’ll telephone la policia!” the guy in the stand yelled at Edward in broken English.
“Dude, there’s a chick here that’s hit her head.  What’s wrong with you?” I yelled back at him, “Make yourself useful and call somebody for help!”
I finally got Edward to let go of the girl’s hand and get his speedo back on before we were hauled in.  All the while, the girls that had been laughing earlier shamelessly ogled his impressive man-plow, not to mention a few of the guys.  Yeah, bitches, us Cullen’s were hung.
The little brunette was coming around and had started muttering something about Edward having an extraordinarily high market share in something or other, and then she started babbling about penetration pricing.  If I didn’t know better, I would have though she was talking about buying a hooker, but she was obviously spouting marketing terminology.  She suddenly moaned, “Uhmm…great segment expansion strategy…” and I thought my brother would lose it.
I got a closer look at her and she looked vaguely familiar, but I just couldn’t place her.  The emergency people quickly came down the beach and shuffled her into an ambulance while I stood there with my brother watching them go.  I could tell he wanted to go after them to check on her, but he was suddenly surrounded by more titties than a Hollywood plastic surgeon, all vying to get his attention.
“Damn, Edward, what was that all about?”  I asked him over a redhead that was trying to push her cleavage into his face.
“I don’t know…she just…I don’t know,” he babbled as he stood there dumbfounded.
I wondered if my brother hadn’t just met his nerdy Cinderella.  Too bad she didn’t leave behind a glass slipper, or at least a business card, to help him find her again…

~Dolly Big Momma


Sombrero's Two
There once was a guy named AngeLou

He was bored and out of things to do.

He decided one day
He would touch himself for play

Because he had nothing. Better. To. Do.

He did this in school district B

And was sent to the slammer for Life.

While he was there
He dreamt of Mexican Beer
And days filled with plenty of cheer

He dreamt of sandy white beach
And ladies unleashed

A place Where he could be free

But it was just a dream
He dreamt of what could’ve

Poor AngeLou
And his Sombrero's Two

~Victoria Maundrell


Master of Disguise

Ted was invited to the beach with his brother. He was hesitant because it was a nude beach they were going to go to. Mike, his brother, was sure that they, being rather well-hung twins, would get a lot of attention from the ladies. Of course, once they made it to the beach, that wasn’t the case.
After several families and small children ran screaming from them, they realized something was really wrong. It turned out that the beach was only nude on Wednesdays and this was a Tuesday. Mike quickly used the last of his money and bought the last three hats in the vendor shop. “Here, you can have this one,” he said passing one of the large hats to Ted.
Mike took the other two and covered himself front and back, leaving Ted hanging out in the breeze. Ted looked at his watch, noting it was already going on seven o’clock in the evening. He lay on the beach and put the hat on his head.
“Ted, what the heck are you doing?” Mike squealed, “You’re going to get arrested for indecent exposure!”
“No I won’t, just give me a minute,” he said scooping up sand. He started dumping more and more in his lap before he finally started shaping it.
His brother sat next to him, covering himself with a little sombrero, wearing the large one on his head. Ted continued to work while keeping himself covered. It was well on to nine o’clock when he was finally finished. He looked over at his brother and laughed. “My sombrero is bigger than yours,” he teased.
Mike woke from his long nap wondering what the heck his crazy brother was talking about. Ted had made a huge sand sombrero covering his lower half. Ted lay back grinning widely. We’d see who got the better date now.

~Rose von Barnesly