Saturday, December 31, 2011


The Game Of Life

What do you mean you’ve decided to go with a “different look” ?
Do you know who I am? 
Where’s Richard? 
I am Barbara Millicent Roberts and I refuse to be treated this way!
I AM NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH THE LIKES OF YOU ANYMORE, YOU SNOT NOSED BRAT!! Babs shouted as she pointed a gloved finger in Richards face.
How old are you ANYWAYS!! (She continued to rant) I can still smell the breast milk on your BREATH!!
Babs took a moment to compose herself and took a few cleansing breaths, silently grateful she enrolled in those anger management classes on Tuesday nights.
Slightly composed Babs says “Now be a dear and run along and get your father for me.” as she smoothed her perfectly pressed pencil skirt and took off her white gloves to show her flawless manicured talons.
Babs was in rare form and Jackson was putting on one hell of a show to appear cool, calm and collected.
While Jackson’s outer appearance was Oscar worthy, the rest of the board members of Mattel were all showing signs of discomfort.
Everyone knew of Babs, Barbie’s hard life.
Starting off in the industry at such a young age was not easy. Being “Barbie” the role model for every little girl globally became too much for the young girl from the small town of Willows Peak, Wisconsin. As hard as she tried to be the American girl people expected her to be, it all came to a crumble in the 80’s.
Barbie joined a Rock band The Rockers who introduced her to drugs and alcohol. 
Shortly after she got pregnant by her on and off again boyfriend Ken Carson who she later found in the bed with a male “friend”. After this discovery Barbie went into a downward spiral. Her daughter Skipper was taken from her after neighbors reported her as a negligent mother. Skipper was then raised by Barbie’s mother back in Wisconsin as her own daughter. 
Unfortunately this wasn't the end or “rock bottom” for her. She later reconnected with Ken who had a great idea on how to make some “real” money. He introduced her to his homeboy “Steven”, who ran an upscale escorting service. Steven introduced Barbie to the “crew”  Teresa, Midge, Christie, Todd and Stacey. Here she filled all kinds of fantasy’s from housewife to astronaut. But something was missing Barbie craved the bright lights.
Ever since then she has tried to regain her role as the leading lady in the industry. But, drugs, stress,alcohol abuse and her unconventional lifestyle have aged and tarnished the star drastically.
No one at this table had the heart to tell the old girl she was washed up and needed to accept this or that the Richard she keeps requesting every day around the same time was dead and had been for over ten years. No one bothered anymore it was useless she was a broken record stuck in a different time, a time when she was an icon and every little girl wanted to be her a time before drugs, men or Skipper a time before she lost her mind.

Victoria Maundrell


Delusional Reflections

This is worse than insulting! I can’t believe they had the audacity to make such an offensive creature and put my name on it. As if I would ever look that disgustingly old. I stormed into my room wielding the action figure I had commission to celebrate my rule over the kingdom.  I had already sent the crafter to be beheaded.  I threw the doll across the room screaming.
I pulled myself together and walked over to my beloved mirror to make myself feel beautiful, “Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” I asked.
My old friend shimmered into existence smiling at me, “You of course my queen. There is no one fairer in the land.”
I sighed in relief, “Thank you mirror.  I needed that.”
“No need to thank me your highness. You ask a question you get an answer.”
“Yes, I am so glad you are here. Come look at this disgusting old hag they made into a doll. I swear it is uglier than when I changed myself into a crotchety old woman to sell poison apples.”
“I am sure you are mistaken.” The mirror said nervously. “No one would dare create such a likeness. They must know they would lose their heads.”
“That they did.”  I said picking up the doll holding it up to the mirror to see.
The mirror grimace and I stood shocked gaping at the sight. In the reflection the doll was a beautiful perfect likeness of me.
“Mirror what is this trickery? I am trying to show you the doll stop with your tricks!” I shouted.
My old friend shivered and shimmered and moments later the dolls actual likeness came into view. I looked at my own reflection appalled, “Mirror, why have you reflected such a disgusting hag! I do not look like this doll! You yourself say I am the fairest in the land.”
“Yes, well, you do look part albino. I really don’t know anyone who is fairer than you. You must use mass amounts of sunscreen to keep from frying.”
“NO, NO, I AM BEAUTIFUL!” I scream throwing my doll at the mirror.
“Oh I never said that. I said fair and you are overly pale. I keep thinking you are going to drop dead but you just keep coming back. How are you not a corpse yet?” The mirror asked.
I ripped the mirror from the wall and smash it on the ground furious at its lies and trickery.
I heard a sigh from the floor. I saw its mouth in the broken glass.
“This is exactly why I didn’t show you. I hope you cut yourself on me you old hag!” It shouted and then disappeared in a puff of smoke and left the broken glass unenchanted on the floor.
“Devil mirror, I am not hag, I am beautiful! Guard!” I shouted. “Tell me I am beautiful.” I ordered.
He bowed at my feet, “Of course my queen, you are the fairest in the land.”
“WHAT!” I screamed offended, “Off with his head!”
It was time I got myself a tan.

~ Rose Von Barnesly

Friday, December 23, 2011

12-23-11 *Updated*

Cat Scratch Fever

I’ve finally found her my dream girl Stefon came in screaming as he twirled around and around. While blasting some God awful song from his computer about loving cats. She’s gorgeous and well educated and she loves cats, did you here me Mister Millie she loves cats. Stefon went on excitedly about his new E-Harmony date. Mister Millie appeared uninterested and found a few stray hairs on his luxurious coated that he needed to tend to (lick, lick).
Mister Millie thought to himself why does he even bother torturing himself, poor sap thinks every date is the big one. The Misses Right. But, for him It never happens and it probably never will. Mister Millie continues his internal rant as he lays on his back admiring his delicate paws as he recanted. First it was Christy with the uni-brow who loved all animals, BUT cats. Then it was that nice Caribbean lady who was already MARRIED. Then that granny who tried to steal me and lied about her age.
Poor, poor Stefon since he posted our new Christmas photo the inquiries were less and less on his dating page. I tried to tell him he should use just himself as the profile pic but he insisted on using that one saying we were a package deal.
Noticing the time Stefon pàda-boùray and kick ball chained his way to his bedroom to get ready for his date. Mister Millie had never seen Stefon act so excitedly about a date before. This intrigued Mister Millie and so Mister Millie followed Stefon to his office where Stefon was checking his E-Harmony page for any updated messages from tonights date.
Stefon was a really good guy the kind that always finished last, the guy that every girl just wants to be friends with. I mean he wasn't ugly by any stretch but at the age of 38 he was already balding with a receding hairline. He was built physically 6’2 230 lbs, muscular but for some reason girls found him strange. They didn't understand why a grown man would pampered his cat Mister Millie as if he was a child and often brought him on second dates . (That’s if he made it that far)
Stefon retired early after doing well in the software business. He inherited Mister Millie from his dead grandmother and loved him as he was the only living connection he had of his last known family member. Women never understood his love and the connection he had with Mister Millie because they never got that far with him; always judging the book by its cover. Stefon figured if they were going to immediately judge him then they weren't for him. Mister Millie recalled as he purred and rubbed his back on Stefon’s leg. Stefon noticing the affection the over-sized and over groomed cat was giving him, so he gently picked up all 30 lbs of Mister Millie and whispered I know this one is IT Mister Millie just watch. Mister Millie watched in awe as he saw a very good looking but emotional woman talk about her love for cats and how she just wants to take all cats and dress them up. Mister Millie just sat still in shock as his eyes turned heart shaped, he knew Stefon had finally met his match. And Mister Millie was in love too.
Watch Stefon’s dates E-Harmony video:
And of course the Re-Mix video:

FIN-Victoria Maundrell


Michael was sick of all the stupid Christmas postcard pictures he kept getting. It was like the world was shouting at him that he was a lonely loser.  His girlfriend of four years had stayed out all night again, not bothering to let him know if she was home safe, leaving him to babysit her stupid cat again. He was sure she loved that damn thing more than him and decided if it was so deserving of being loved, he might as well make sure everyone he ever met in his life knew that he hadn’t killed the smelly beast. 
Yes, it would be like his silent postcard to Santa. See, Santa, I haven’t killed the devil cat. I was good so bring me something good this year, too, he thought.
He grabbed the cat and went to the local studio where the stupid photographer ate up the idea of shooting the cat. Michael wished he could shoot the cat, just not with the camera. The man even dug out a little Santa hat and snapped away, helping Michael really get into the shots.
In the end, it was a toss-up between the picture with the cat in the Santa hat and the one with Michael wrestling naked with a ball of yarn playing with the kitty. In the end, the Santa hat won out.
He quickly made his way to the post office and bought the postcard stamps and ran his freshly purchased pictures through his printer so they would be sent to everyone in his address book.
He threw them all into the mailbox with glee and stormed back to his house where he started throwing all of the picture Christmas cards into the fire. “I’ll show you!” he cackled to himself.
It wasn’t two days later that the calls started rolling in.
“Son, what have you done?” his mother cried, “A Santa hat? We’re Jewish!”
His Rabbi called worried for his soul, along with half of the temple congregation.
He had a lot to answer for, but instead of saying anything, he just shook his head. “I should have gone with the yarn picture. It wouldn’t have raised as much of a ruckus.”

~Rose Von Barnesly


The start of Puss in Boots.
Puss wanted nothing more than to wear Funny hats and Clothing. His original owner Robby seemed to understand his Feline friend and would dress him up for every occasion. Birthdays, Easter, St Patricks day, and Christmas. As you can tell Puss was a very happy Kitty in all of his funny hat splendor.
Sadly on day his beloved human was killed in a horrible knitting accident, while he was hard at work on his new costume. A knitting needle to the jugular later and Puss was now an orphan. He found the last work of Robby’s which was a Small pirate hat and boots. THIS Is how he became Puss in Boots!
~Jennifer Thornton 


Holiday Date

There is nothing worse than showing up to a family holiday gathering without a special someone attached to your arm.  This year I was determined not to go this alone. Unfortunately for me, I made this decision only 6 weeks before Christmas. With limited time to spare, I hopped on the Internet with the hopes of finding a quick date. I could not afford to pay for a date so I decided to just use a dating website. I knew I wanted to find someone who at least had the same interests as I did. That way I could do my best to pass this off as a real date.

After just a few days I found a guy I thought was a perfect guy. His name was Tim. He was tall with dark eyes. He was balding on top but that was fine. Everything else about him just seemed to fit for me. He was even a lover of cats. It’s hard to find a man that has a genuine love for the feline friend.

Tim and I went on a few dates. I began to enjoy spending time with him. We would talk on the phone for hours. He really seemed like an amazing person. After our fifth date, just one week before Christmas, Tim asked me back to his home. I was actually excited to see his humble abode.  He lived in a comfortable loft just outside of Manhattan. After giving me the grand tour, Tim introduced me to his “son” Tigger. I thought it was really cute that he referred to his cat as his son. Tim told he had to use the bathroom and would be right back. Once he was out of site I took the time to snoop around. I really wanted to get a better look at the wall of photos he had. As I got closer I noticed that many of the photos were of Tigger. When I came face to face with his wall I realized that every single photo was of Tigger! In the center of all the photos was a professional photo taken of Tim and Tigger for the holidays.

This was just too much. I grabbed my purse and ran out of his place and didn’t look back.

I guess I was going stag to Christmas dinner, again.

~Selene de Modelo 


An excerpt from

A future story by Dollybigmomma

An excerpt from

A future story by Dollybigmomma

I was so glad Christmas was finally over.  I had no idea how allergic to mistletoe I was until I had to take it down from all over the center where Edgar had pinned it in every doorway he could get to.  A trip to the dermatologist and pharmacy later and I was finally not trying to claw the hide off my body for the first time in two days.
Edward came in pushing Mrs. Tucker in her wheelchair.  They were both laughing as she showed him some pictures she had gotten in the mail.
“It’s good to see James is doing so well,” Edward grinned.  “He was always telling us stories about that cat of his roommate, Ken.  I guess he finally made peace with it.”
“Oh, my dear boy, I’m so happy you and my Jimmy were such good friends in college.  He’s such a sweet boy, but he always just seemed so…I don’t know, different somehow,” Mrs. Tucker said looking confused.  “Anyway, he and Kenneth are coming to see me today and I have a surprise for him,” she winked and glanced at me.  “I’m going to introduce him to Miss Bella,” she whispered loudly.  “I think they’d be perfect for each other,” she beamed.
“Oh, is that so?” Edward said grinning even wider.  “Well, I’m sure he and Miss Bella will have a lot in common and get along swimmingly,” he said and it looked like he was trying to hold in a major fit of giggles.
I couldn’t help my curiosity about what they were talking about so I wandered over to join their conversation.  “So, what are you two plotting?  Planning on cheating at bingo again, Edward?  I’m going to have to sit in and monitor your activities this time.  You and Edgar darned near started a riot the last game.  You know you’re setting a bad example for him, right?” I said sarcastically.  “The ladies might take turns beating him next time.”
“Yeah, like he wouldn’t enjoy that. Granddad can hold his own, Bella.  Besides, I think you’re going to be busy this afternoon.  Mrs. Tucker’s grandson, James, is coming by with his roommate for a visit.  He was actually a friend of mine in college.  He’s a really nice guy, a real…straight shooter,” Edward said through barely-suppressed giggles.  “Mrs. Tucker here thinks you two might hit it off.  I know you two have a lot in common.  If I remember correctly, James loves to bake, he’s an avid gardener, and he collects dolls.  You two will likely become an item before the evening is out,” Edward said positively vibrating now with silent giggles.  God, could this man be any more immature?
“He sounds lovely, Mrs. Tucker.  I’ll be sure to show him around, and I’ll even make him a cup of my special chocolate,” I smiled and Mrs. Tucker squealed a little excited.  Poor thing.
“You know, maybe he and his roommate would like to go out this evening with me and my friend, Jacob.  He’s coming in this afternoon to visit, too,” I said and pulled out the picture of Jake I had gotten from him with his Christmas card.  Jake’s modeling career was really taking off and he had more men than he could shake a stick at chasing him now.  However, I didn’t tell Edward that.  I handed the picture to Mrs. Tucker and her eyes bugged out at the picture of Jake in nothing but an elf hat dangling a large, strategically-located cluster of mistletoe, his blindingly-white, wide smile and glossy dark hair making it obvious he had chosen the right profession. 
Edward was looking at the picture over her shoulder scowling.  “Maybe you all shouldn’t go out this evening, actually.  They’re predicting freezing rain you know.  Better to stay in and be safe,” he said with a concerned face.
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine.  We’re going to the restaurant at the Westin.  I’m sure if the weather gets bad, Jake and I can just get a room and spend the night,” I said and Edward looked like he was about to blow a gasket. 
  “Seriously, Bella, I think you should stay in.  Tell you what; if you’re so set on going out, why don’t I go along and drive?  I lived in Chicago for a number of years and am used to driving in bad weather.  In fact, I insist,” he growled and stalked off.
“Oh, that dear boy is such a sweet thing.  If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he was jealous,” Mrs. Tucker said shaking her head,  “However, that can’t be the case as he was perfectly happy for you to meet my Jimmy,” she said showing me the picture of her grandson. 
No wonder Edward was giggling.  I was sure Jimmy and I would have a lot in common indeed.  Way more than dear old Mrs. Tucker obviously realized.  By the way he was acting, I was sure Edward would rather me stay in with Jimmy trading recipes, doing our nails, and giving each other pedicures than be out on eye-candy Jake’s arm.  Too damn bad.  If he wasn’t man enough to say something, then he could come along and watch me flirt my ass off.
This was going to be a fun evening.

~Dolly Big Momma

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

12-12-11 *Updated*

An Excerpt from
A future story by Dollybigmomma

I was going to kill Edward.
I knew I was saying that a lot these days, but damn it, he didn’t have to go along with everything Edgar wanted.  I guess being his favorite grandchild came with a price.  Somehow, though, I doubted Edward minded much given the amused smirk on his face that broke out into downright guffawing at my bright red face as I took in the bizarre scene playing out in the activities room.
Ever since the Thanksgiving debacle where Edgar managed to talk my Aunt Doris into a kiss while grabbing her hand and shoving it onto his manhood under the table, the old codger had been insufferably horny.  Aunt Doris had passed out from the shock, pulling the tablecloth and half of Thanksgiving dinner down with her.  Luckily for him, he had started focusing all his efforts on her since that day, and she had become very possessive of him. I was fairly certain she would have been hanging his balls on the center Christmas tree right now in a jealous rage had he continued to flirt like he had been.  God knows they were easily accessible at the moment.
“Edgar!  Why are you naked?” I growled at the feisty old octogenarian, “And you,” I snapped at Edward, “Why the hell is there a sixteen year old girl taking pictures of your naked grandfather in a Santa hat and boots?”  God, this was a lawsuit just waiting to happen.
“It’s fine, Bella.  Tracy here is taking photography this semester and needed to do some holiday shots for her class project,” Edward answered innocently.  “He also wanted to make picture greeting cards.”
“Edward, please tell me you’re not that stupid!” I said clearly livid.  “There’s no way she can show anyone those pictures.  We’d be sued into the next millennia!” I said grabbing the girl’s camera, fighting her off as I erased all the pictures she had taken.
“Oh, man!” Tracy whined, “Now I have to start all over.”
“Not with his naked butt you’re not.  Go take some pictures of the ladies decorating the foyer.  They’re all proud of the makeovers the other girls gave them this morning, and their wrinkly little faces are glowing.  I’m sure you can capture some wonderful shots that don’t involve wrinkly behinds,” I hissed and dismissed her. 
“Doubt anyone could tell the difference,” she muttered as she stalked off.
Edward was still grinning like an idiot and suddenly started laughing out loud.
“Don’t look, Bella,” he winked, and of course, when someone says don’t look, you look.  Big mistake.  Edgar had rolled up onto his side now and had his head propped up on his hand, his other hand flicking mischievously at the pompom on his cap.
“Edgar!  Get some clothes on, now!” I screeched and stormed out, my face blazing as they howled with laughter behind me. 
Both of them were going to pay for that.  However, I couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up as I walked back into the pharmacy room, the image of Edgar’s enormous tree trunk of a dick burned into my brain.  If the old saying was true that the nut didn’t fall far from the tree, Edward was a squirrel’s wet dream come true.

~Dolly Big Momma


Commando Santa

Santa was shocked as he stood at gun point as the man demanded his suit. “Now buddy I don’t have all night!” He glanced over his shoulder a couple times and then started kicking off his own pants, “Now man!” The stranger shouted at him.
The stranger quickly took the suit from Santa and threw it on quickly. He grabbed Santa’s sack keeping the gun pointed at him and then took off down the street. Once he was out of sight one of his elves stepped out of the bushes. “Why didn’t you go magic on his butt? Give him a little of this?” He asked twitching his noses.
Santa furrowed his brow, “You’re right, I’ve got to get those toys back.”
He started running after the thief wearing nothing but his hat and boots because that was all the man had left him with. He turned the corner and saw a family in their front yard getting a holiday photo and decided to try and enlist their help. “Stop that man!” He shouted. “He’s a thief!”
The family looked up just as the thief ran across their photo setting. The wife screamed in shock and covered the children’s eyes as she dragged them by their heads into the house.
The dad looked back and forth between the thief and Santa not sure who to yell at. 
“Stop that man he has my clothes!” Santa cried. The father nodded and ran after the thief.

Santa had run three blocks by the time he reached the family’s yard and fell exhausted on the ground. The photographer smiled at him. “My wife is never going to believe this.” He said and snapped a picture. “Don’t worry; this one is on the house. Who knew Santa went commando?”

~Rose Van Barnesly 


A Gift for Mrs. Claus

Santa seemed to always fail when it came to giving a gift for Mrs. Claus. One year he gave her an oven.  The year after that, he had given her lingerie, how was he supposed to know she had put on that much weight! Another year he had even regifted her a coffee machine, forgetting that her mother gave it to them.  This year he knew he could not ruin this for her. He had been thinking about all year long. Woman had Pin-Up and Boudoir photos, so why couldn’t a man. Santa knew he would have to have to prepare for this. Last Christmas, he had over done it on the cookies and milk. He had a lot of work to do to get his body in shape. Santa didn’t want to be too obvious about his weight loss. Mrs. Claus was a very jealous woman so Santa knew that he couldn’t work to hard on getting his new abs. He didn’t want to be accused of having an affair with that whore of a Tooth Fairy… AGAIN! Santa did not want any elves from the shop knowing what he was giving to Mrs. Claus. This year was pretty tough due to the economy and there had almost been a protest by the elves. They wanted a pay raise but Santa just couldn’t afford it.  He didn’t want them to have anything they could Black Mail him with. The only man that Santa thought he could trust with his secret was Hanukah Harry. Harry was a rabbi. He had certain rules he had to follow like priests. Or so Santa thought.

Santa thought it would be too costly to hire a professional photographer. Santa set up the entire shoot; he just needed someone to press the button on the camera. Santa asked Harry if he would help out by snapping the photos. Harry agreed. The little photo shoot didn’t take very long at all. Now all Santa had to do was pick his favorite photo, print it, and place it in a nice frame. He had less than 2 weeks before Christmas and didn’t want to mess this up.

Two days later, Santa walked into the Work Shop. Outside of the Shop the place sounded a buzz with conversation but as soon as Santa walked in they all became very quiet. As he walked through the Shop and headed to his office he heard snickers and giggles behind his back. When he turned to see who the gigglers were, every elf was quiet once again. Something was just not right. Santa sat at his desk and turned on his computer. He had a little extra time for his guilty pleasure before he had to start to double check his Nice List. Santa went to the web browser and typed in address for his favorite celebrity gossip blog. Once the page had finished loading he couldn’t believe his eyes. His gift for Mrs. Claus was on the main page. Someone leaked his photos! The article beneath his photo read:

Scandalous Santa!

These are NSFW!
To see all the photos of Santa in his glorious Birthday Suit, click here!

This morning we opened our email to find these scandalous photos.
Rumors have been swirling that Santa and Mrs. Claus marriage have been on the rocks! Anonymous sources that know the couple personally have told us that they can hear the couple fight on a nightly basis. They have even heard Mrs. Claus screaming at the top of her lungs accusing Santa of the unthinkable! ADULTERY! She apparently doesn’t like that Santa is too nice to Tooth Fairy, and every one is very familiar with that woman and her man-eating ways. How does she get his wings in to so many men?
With things not going well in the Claus household, whom do you think Santa took these photos for? Is he trying to mend his rocky relationship with the Mrs. Or is this a special gift for a new lady?

Once again, Santa’s gift was an EPIC FAIL!

~Selene de Modelo



It was our 555th Wedding Anniversary, and I was out of ideas on what to do. My wife loved matching numbers and swore this was a milestone anniversary as was our 444th anniversary and our 333rd anniversary and the 222nd anniversary but the 111th anniversary would always be my favorite.
So I had absolutely no idea what to do. I've done everything from Ski trips to Aspen, 12 day European cruise's, Spa weeks in France but this time I wanted to do something extra special. And I was totally clueless on what to do.
I'm in the toy business and no matter how well I prepare for Christmas I'm always super busy with work on Christmas Eve.
At the factory Christmas can get wild with everyone high strung and in a rush to get orders shipped; mistakes can be made. When mistakes are made "She" steps in and diffuses the situation.  "She" has a gentle but stern presence about her where I would yell about costs, wastes and time restraints. "She" steps in understanding, gentle words and with minimal time wasted.
"She" over sees that the factor runs smoothly, double checks orders, and keeps everyone cheerful and fed.
I know it's not fair to her that I work so hard and that she has to work so hard and that’s why I try to spoil her anyway I can AFTER Christmas.
"She's" not only my office manager but my publicist, she makes sure during the holiday season I show up to special events and do a few public appearances.
"She's not just my wife, she's my everything. So when an old close family friend Mama Natura suggested that this Anniversary we celebrate it "together"; instead of me doting on my wife, we dote on each other at an all-inclusive "Eden" type resort. I thought it was a great and something "She" would never have guessed.
I had my personal assistant "Lefty" take "Candid" pictures of me slightly nude, one where I'm holding a wrapped Christmas gift directly in front of me covering my appendage with only my hat and boots on, another where I' holding a very long and thick giant candy cane in front of me with a giant bow, another where I’m still wearing my hat and a giant bow and last but not least me laying on the floor with only my hat and boots on. I loved it, and I knew "She" would too.
After my photo shoot, I gently wrapped each picture in tissue paper and placed our airplane tickets atop. I closed the wrapped box up and I felt giddy, I simply couldn’t wait for this trip to get here. The things that I will do to "Her".
~Victoria Maundrell