Saturday, December 31, 2011


The Game Of Life

What do you mean you’ve decided to go with a “different look” ?
Do you know who I am? 
Where’s Richard? 
I am Barbara Millicent Roberts and I refuse to be treated this way!
I AM NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH THE LIKES OF YOU ANYMORE, YOU SNOT NOSED BRAT!! Babs shouted as she pointed a gloved finger in Richards face.
How old are you ANYWAYS!! (She continued to rant) I can still smell the breast milk on your BREATH!!
Babs took a moment to compose herself and took a few cleansing breaths, silently grateful she enrolled in those anger management classes on Tuesday nights.
Slightly composed Babs says “Now be a dear and run along and get your father for me.” as she smoothed her perfectly pressed pencil skirt and took off her white gloves to show her flawless manicured talons.
Babs was in rare form and Jackson was putting on one hell of a show to appear cool, calm and collected.
While Jackson’s outer appearance was Oscar worthy, the rest of the board members of Mattel were all showing signs of discomfort.
Everyone knew of Babs, Barbie’s hard life.
Starting off in the industry at such a young age was not easy. Being “Barbie” the role model for every little girl globally became too much for the young girl from the small town of Willows Peak, Wisconsin. As hard as she tried to be the American girl people expected her to be, it all came to a crumble in the 80’s.
Barbie joined a Rock band The Rockers who introduced her to drugs and alcohol. 
Shortly after she got pregnant by her on and off again boyfriend Ken Carson who she later found in the bed with a male “friend”. After this discovery Barbie went into a downward spiral. Her daughter Skipper was taken from her after neighbors reported her as a negligent mother. Skipper was then raised by Barbie’s mother back in Wisconsin as her own daughter. 
Unfortunately this wasn't the end or “rock bottom” for her. She later reconnected with Ken who had a great idea on how to make some “real” money. He introduced her to his homeboy “Steven”, who ran an upscale escorting service. Steven introduced Barbie to the “crew”  Teresa, Midge, Christie, Todd and Stacey. Here she filled all kinds of fantasy’s from housewife to astronaut. But something was missing Barbie craved the bright lights.
Ever since then she has tried to regain her role as the leading lady in the industry. But, drugs, stress,alcohol abuse and her unconventional lifestyle have aged and tarnished the star drastically.
No one at this table had the heart to tell the old girl she was washed up and needed to accept this or that the Richard she keeps requesting every day around the same time was dead and had been for over ten years. No one bothered anymore it was useless she was a broken record stuck in a different time, a time when she was an icon and every little girl wanted to be her a time before drugs, men or Skipper a time before she lost her mind.

Victoria Maundrell


Delusional Reflections

This is worse than insulting! I can’t believe they had the audacity to make such an offensive creature and put my name on it. As if I would ever look that disgustingly old. I stormed into my room wielding the action figure I had commission to celebrate my rule over the kingdom.  I had already sent the crafter to be beheaded.  I threw the doll across the room screaming.
I pulled myself together and walked over to my beloved mirror to make myself feel beautiful, “Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” I asked.
My old friend shimmered into existence smiling at me, “You of course my queen. There is no one fairer in the land.”
I sighed in relief, “Thank you mirror.  I needed that.”
“No need to thank me your highness. You ask a question you get an answer.”
“Yes, I am so glad you are here. Come look at this disgusting old hag they made into a doll. I swear it is uglier than when I changed myself into a crotchety old woman to sell poison apples.”
“I am sure you are mistaken.” The mirror said nervously. “No one would dare create such a likeness. They must know they would lose their heads.”
“That they did.”  I said picking up the doll holding it up to the mirror to see.
The mirror grimace and I stood shocked gaping at the sight. In the reflection the doll was a beautiful perfect likeness of me.
“Mirror what is this trickery? I am trying to show you the doll stop with your tricks!” I shouted.
My old friend shivered and shimmered and moments later the dolls actual likeness came into view. I looked at my own reflection appalled, “Mirror, why have you reflected such a disgusting hag! I do not look like this doll! You yourself say I am the fairest in the land.”
“Yes, well, you do look part albino. I really don’t know anyone who is fairer than you. You must use mass amounts of sunscreen to keep from frying.”
“NO, NO, I AM BEAUTIFUL!” I scream throwing my doll at the mirror.
“Oh I never said that. I said fair and you are overly pale. I keep thinking you are going to drop dead but you just keep coming back. How are you not a corpse yet?” The mirror asked.
I ripped the mirror from the wall and smash it on the ground furious at its lies and trickery.
I heard a sigh from the floor. I saw its mouth in the broken glass.
“This is exactly why I didn’t show you. I hope you cut yourself on me you old hag!” It shouted and then disappeared in a puff of smoke and left the broken glass unenchanted on the floor.
“Devil mirror, I am not hag, I am beautiful! Guard!” I shouted. “Tell me I am beautiful.” I ordered.
He bowed at my feet, “Of course my queen, you are the fairest in the land.”
“WHAT!” I screamed offended, “Off with his head!”
It was time I got myself a tan.

~ Rose Von Barnesly

Friday, December 23, 2011

12-23-11 *Updated*

Cat Scratch Fever

I’ve finally found her my dream girl Stefon came in screaming as he twirled around and around. While blasting some God awful song from his computer about loving cats. She’s gorgeous and well educated and she loves cats, did you here me Mister Millie she loves cats. Stefon went on excitedly about his new E-Harmony date. Mister Millie appeared uninterested and found a few stray hairs on his luxurious coated that he needed to tend to (lick, lick).
Mister Millie thought to himself why does he even bother torturing himself, poor sap thinks every date is the big one. The Misses Right. But, for him It never happens and it probably never will. Mister Millie continues his internal rant as he lays on his back admiring his delicate paws as he recanted. First it was Christy with the uni-brow who loved all animals, BUT cats. Then it was that nice Caribbean lady who was already MARRIED. Then that granny who tried to steal me and lied about her age.
Poor, poor Stefon since he posted our new Christmas photo the inquiries were less and less on his dating page. I tried to tell him he should use just himself as the profile pic but he insisted on using that one saying we were a package deal.
Noticing the time Stefon pàda-boùray and kick ball chained his way to his bedroom to get ready for his date. Mister Millie had never seen Stefon act so excitedly about a date before. This intrigued Mister Millie and so Mister Millie followed Stefon to his office where Stefon was checking his E-Harmony page for any updated messages from tonights date.
Stefon was a really good guy the kind that always finished last, the guy that every girl just wants to be friends with. I mean he wasn't ugly by any stretch but at the age of 38 he was already balding with a receding hairline. He was built physically 6’2 230 lbs, muscular but for some reason girls found him strange. They didn't understand why a grown man would pampered his cat Mister Millie as if he was a child and often brought him on second dates . (That’s if he made it that far)
Stefon retired early after doing well in the software business. He inherited Mister Millie from his dead grandmother and loved him as he was the only living connection he had of his last known family member. Women never understood his love and the connection he had with Mister Millie because they never got that far with him; always judging the book by its cover. Stefon figured if they were going to immediately judge him then they weren't for him. Mister Millie recalled as he purred and rubbed his back on Stefon’s leg. Stefon noticing the affection the over-sized and over groomed cat was giving him, so he gently picked up all 30 lbs of Mister Millie and whispered I know this one is IT Mister Millie just watch. Mister Millie watched in awe as he saw a very good looking but emotional woman talk about her love for cats and how she just wants to take all cats and dress them up. Mister Millie just sat still in shock as his eyes turned heart shaped, he knew Stefon had finally met his match. And Mister Millie was in love too.
Watch Stefon’s dates E-Harmony video:
And of course the Re-Mix video:

FIN-Victoria Maundrell


Michael was sick of all the stupid Christmas postcard pictures he kept getting. It was like the world was shouting at him that he was a lonely loser.  His girlfriend of four years had stayed out all night again, not bothering to let him know if she was home safe, leaving him to babysit her stupid cat again. He was sure she loved that damn thing more than him and decided if it was so deserving of being loved, he might as well make sure everyone he ever met in his life knew that he hadn’t killed the smelly beast. 
Yes, it would be like his silent postcard to Santa. See, Santa, I haven’t killed the devil cat. I was good so bring me something good this year, too, he thought.
He grabbed the cat and went to the local studio where the stupid photographer ate up the idea of shooting the cat. Michael wished he could shoot the cat, just not with the camera. The man even dug out a little Santa hat and snapped away, helping Michael really get into the shots.
In the end, it was a toss-up between the picture with the cat in the Santa hat and the one with Michael wrestling naked with a ball of yarn playing with the kitty. In the end, the Santa hat won out.
He quickly made his way to the post office and bought the postcard stamps and ran his freshly purchased pictures through his printer so they would be sent to everyone in his address book.
He threw them all into the mailbox with glee and stormed back to his house where he started throwing all of the picture Christmas cards into the fire. “I’ll show you!” he cackled to himself.
It wasn’t two days later that the calls started rolling in.
“Son, what have you done?” his mother cried, “A Santa hat? We’re Jewish!”
His Rabbi called worried for his soul, along with half of the temple congregation.
He had a lot to answer for, but instead of saying anything, he just shook his head. “I should have gone with the yarn picture. It wouldn’t have raised as much of a ruckus.”

~Rose Von Barnesly


The start of Puss in Boots.
Puss wanted nothing more than to wear Funny hats and Clothing. His original owner Robby seemed to understand his Feline friend and would dress him up for every occasion. Birthdays, Easter, St Patricks day, and Christmas. As you can tell Puss was a very happy Kitty in all of his funny hat splendor.
Sadly on day his beloved human was killed in a horrible knitting accident, while he was hard at work on his new costume. A knitting needle to the jugular later and Puss was now an orphan. He found the last work of Robby’s which was a Small pirate hat and boots. THIS Is how he became Puss in Boots!
~Jennifer Thornton 


Holiday Date

There is nothing worse than showing up to a family holiday gathering without a special someone attached to your arm.  This year I was determined not to go this alone. Unfortunately for me, I made this decision only 6 weeks before Christmas. With limited time to spare, I hopped on the Internet with the hopes of finding a quick date. I could not afford to pay for a date so I decided to just use a dating website. I knew I wanted to find someone who at least had the same interests as I did. That way I could do my best to pass this off as a real date.

After just a few days I found a guy I thought was a perfect guy. His name was Tim. He was tall with dark eyes. He was balding on top but that was fine. Everything else about him just seemed to fit for me. He was even a lover of cats. It’s hard to find a man that has a genuine love for the feline friend.

Tim and I went on a few dates. I began to enjoy spending time with him. We would talk on the phone for hours. He really seemed like an amazing person. After our fifth date, just one week before Christmas, Tim asked me back to his home. I was actually excited to see his humble abode.  He lived in a comfortable loft just outside of Manhattan. After giving me the grand tour, Tim introduced me to his “son” Tigger. I thought it was really cute that he referred to his cat as his son. Tim told he had to use the bathroom and would be right back. Once he was out of site I took the time to snoop around. I really wanted to get a better look at the wall of photos he had. As I got closer I noticed that many of the photos were of Tigger. When I came face to face with his wall I realized that every single photo was of Tigger! In the center of all the photos was a professional photo taken of Tim and Tigger for the holidays.

This was just too much. I grabbed my purse and ran out of his place and didn’t look back.

I guess I was going stag to Christmas dinner, again.

~Selene de Modelo 


An excerpt from

A future story by Dollybigmomma

An excerpt from

A future story by Dollybigmomma

I was so glad Christmas was finally over.  I had no idea how allergic to mistletoe I was until I had to take it down from all over the center where Edgar had pinned it in every doorway he could get to.  A trip to the dermatologist and pharmacy later and I was finally not trying to claw the hide off my body for the first time in two days.
Edward came in pushing Mrs. Tucker in her wheelchair.  They were both laughing as she showed him some pictures she had gotten in the mail.
“It’s good to see James is doing so well,” Edward grinned.  “He was always telling us stories about that cat of his roommate, Ken.  I guess he finally made peace with it.”
“Oh, my dear boy, I’m so happy you and my Jimmy were such good friends in college.  He’s such a sweet boy, but he always just seemed so…I don’t know, different somehow,” Mrs. Tucker said looking confused.  “Anyway, he and Kenneth are coming to see me today and I have a surprise for him,” she winked and glanced at me.  “I’m going to introduce him to Miss Bella,” she whispered loudly.  “I think they’d be perfect for each other,” she beamed.
“Oh, is that so?” Edward said grinning even wider.  “Well, I’m sure he and Miss Bella will have a lot in common and get along swimmingly,” he said and it looked like he was trying to hold in a major fit of giggles.
I couldn’t help my curiosity about what they were talking about so I wandered over to join their conversation.  “So, what are you two plotting?  Planning on cheating at bingo again, Edward?  I’m going to have to sit in and monitor your activities this time.  You and Edgar darned near started a riot the last game.  You know you’re setting a bad example for him, right?” I said sarcastically.  “The ladies might take turns beating him next time.”
“Yeah, like he wouldn’t enjoy that. Granddad can hold his own, Bella.  Besides, I think you’re going to be busy this afternoon.  Mrs. Tucker’s grandson, James, is coming by with his roommate for a visit.  He was actually a friend of mine in college.  He’s a really nice guy, a real…straight shooter,” Edward said through barely-suppressed giggles.  “Mrs. Tucker here thinks you two might hit it off.  I know you two have a lot in common.  If I remember correctly, James loves to bake, he’s an avid gardener, and he collects dolls.  You two will likely become an item before the evening is out,” Edward said positively vibrating now with silent giggles.  God, could this man be any more immature?
“He sounds lovely, Mrs. Tucker.  I’ll be sure to show him around, and I’ll even make him a cup of my special chocolate,” I smiled and Mrs. Tucker squealed a little excited.  Poor thing.
“You know, maybe he and his roommate would like to go out this evening with me and my friend, Jacob.  He’s coming in this afternoon to visit, too,” I said and pulled out the picture of Jake I had gotten from him with his Christmas card.  Jake’s modeling career was really taking off and he had more men than he could shake a stick at chasing him now.  However, I didn’t tell Edward that.  I handed the picture to Mrs. Tucker and her eyes bugged out at the picture of Jake in nothing but an elf hat dangling a large, strategically-located cluster of mistletoe, his blindingly-white, wide smile and glossy dark hair making it obvious he had chosen the right profession. 
Edward was looking at the picture over her shoulder scowling.  “Maybe you all shouldn’t go out this evening, actually.  They’re predicting freezing rain you know.  Better to stay in and be safe,” he said with a concerned face.
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine.  We’re going to the restaurant at the Westin.  I’m sure if the weather gets bad, Jake and I can just get a room and spend the night,” I said and Edward looked like he was about to blow a gasket. 
  “Seriously, Bella, I think you should stay in.  Tell you what; if you’re so set on going out, why don’t I go along and drive?  I lived in Chicago for a number of years and am used to driving in bad weather.  In fact, I insist,” he growled and stalked off.
“Oh, that dear boy is such a sweet thing.  If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he was jealous,” Mrs. Tucker said shaking her head,  “However, that can’t be the case as he was perfectly happy for you to meet my Jimmy,” she said showing me the picture of her grandson. 
No wonder Edward was giggling.  I was sure Jimmy and I would have a lot in common indeed.  Way more than dear old Mrs. Tucker obviously realized.  By the way he was acting, I was sure Edward would rather me stay in with Jimmy trading recipes, doing our nails, and giving each other pedicures than be out on eye-candy Jake’s arm.  Too damn bad.  If he wasn’t man enough to say something, then he could come along and watch me flirt my ass off.
This was going to be a fun evening.

~Dolly Big Momma

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

12-12-11 *Updated*

An Excerpt from
A future story by Dollybigmomma

I was going to kill Edward.
I knew I was saying that a lot these days, but damn it, he didn’t have to go along with everything Edgar wanted.  I guess being his favorite grandchild came with a price.  Somehow, though, I doubted Edward minded much given the amused smirk on his face that broke out into downright guffawing at my bright red face as I took in the bizarre scene playing out in the activities room.
Ever since the Thanksgiving debacle where Edgar managed to talk my Aunt Doris into a kiss while grabbing her hand and shoving it onto his manhood under the table, the old codger had been insufferably horny.  Aunt Doris had passed out from the shock, pulling the tablecloth and half of Thanksgiving dinner down with her.  Luckily for him, he had started focusing all his efforts on her since that day, and she had become very possessive of him. I was fairly certain she would have been hanging his balls on the center Christmas tree right now in a jealous rage had he continued to flirt like he had been.  God knows they were easily accessible at the moment.
“Edgar!  Why are you naked?” I growled at the feisty old octogenarian, “And you,” I snapped at Edward, “Why the hell is there a sixteen year old girl taking pictures of your naked grandfather in a Santa hat and boots?”  God, this was a lawsuit just waiting to happen.
“It’s fine, Bella.  Tracy here is taking photography this semester and needed to do some holiday shots for her class project,” Edward answered innocently.  “He also wanted to make picture greeting cards.”
“Edward, please tell me you’re not that stupid!” I said clearly livid.  “There’s no way she can show anyone those pictures.  We’d be sued into the next millennia!” I said grabbing the girl’s camera, fighting her off as I erased all the pictures she had taken.
“Oh, man!” Tracy whined, “Now I have to start all over.”
“Not with his naked butt you’re not.  Go take some pictures of the ladies decorating the foyer.  They’re all proud of the makeovers the other girls gave them this morning, and their wrinkly little faces are glowing.  I’m sure you can capture some wonderful shots that don’t involve wrinkly behinds,” I hissed and dismissed her. 
“Doubt anyone could tell the difference,” she muttered as she stalked off.
Edward was still grinning like an idiot and suddenly started laughing out loud.
“Don’t look, Bella,” he winked, and of course, when someone says don’t look, you look.  Big mistake.  Edgar had rolled up onto his side now and had his head propped up on his hand, his other hand flicking mischievously at the pompom on his cap.
“Edgar!  Get some clothes on, now!” I screeched and stormed out, my face blazing as they howled with laughter behind me. 
Both of them were going to pay for that.  However, I couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up as I walked back into the pharmacy room, the image of Edgar’s enormous tree trunk of a dick burned into my brain.  If the old saying was true that the nut didn’t fall far from the tree, Edward was a squirrel’s wet dream come true.

~Dolly Big Momma


Commando Santa

Santa was shocked as he stood at gun point as the man demanded his suit. “Now buddy I don’t have all night!” He glanced over his shoulder a couple times and then started kicking off his own pants, “Now man!” The stranger shouted at him.
The stranger quickly took the suit from Santa and threw it on quickly. He grabbed Santa’s sack keeping the gun pointed at him and then took off down the street. Once he was out of sight one of his elves stepped out of the bushes. “Why didn’t you go magic on his butt? Give him a little of this?” He asked twitching his noses.
Santa furrowed his brow, “You’re right, I’ve got to get those toys back.”
He started running after the thief wearing nothing but his hat and boots because that was all the man had left him with. He turned the corner and saw a family in their front yard getting a holiday photo and decided to try and enlist their help. “Stop that man!” He shouted. “He’s a thief!”
The family looked up just as the thief ran across their photo setting. The wife screamed in shock and covered the children’s eyes as she dragged them by their heads into the house.
The dad looked back and forth between the thief and Santa not sure who to yell at. 
“Stop that man he has my clothes!” Santa cried. The father nodded and ran after the thief.

Santa had run three blocks by the time he reached the family’s yard and fell exhausted on the ground. The photographer smiled at him. “My wife is never going to believe this.” He said and snapped a picture. “Don’t worry; this one is on the house. Who knew Santa went commando?”

~Rose Van Barnesly 


A Gift for Mrs. Claus

Santa seemed to always fail when it came to giving a gift for Mrs. Claus. One year he gave her an oven.  The year after that, he had given her lingerie, how was he supposed to know she had put on that much weight! Another year he had even regifted her a coffee machine, forgetting that her mother gave it to them.  This year he knew he could not ruin this for her. He had been thinking about all year long. Woman had Pin-Up and Boudoir photos, so why couldn’t a man. Santa knew he would have to have to prepare for this. Last Christmas, he had over done it on the cookies and milk. He had a lot of work to do to get his body in shape. Santa didn’t want to be too obvious about his weight loss. Mrs. Claus was a very jealous woman so Santa knew that he couldn’t work to hard on getting his new abs. He didn’t want to be accused of having an affair with that whore of a Tooth Fairy… AGAIN! Santa did not want any elves from the shop knowing what he was giving to Mrs. Claus. This year was pretty tough due to the economy and there had almost been a protest by the elves. They wanted a pay raise but Santa just couldn’t afford it.  He didn’t want them to have anything they could Black Mail him with. The only man that Santa thought he could trust with his secret was Hanukah Harry. Harry was a rabbi. He had certain rules he had to follow like priests. Or so Santa thought.

Santa thought it would be too costly to hire a professional photographer. Santa set up the entire shoot; he just needed someone to press the button on the camera. Santa asked Harry if he would help out by snapping the photos. Harry agreed. The little photo shoot didn’t take very long at all. Now all Santa had to do was pick his favorite photo, print it, and place it in a nice frame. He had less than 2 weeks before Christmas and didn’t want to mess this up.

Two days later, Santa walked into the Work Shop. Outside of the Shop the place sounded a buzz with conversation but as soon as Santa walked in they all became very quiet. As he walked through the Shop and headed to his office he heard snickers and giggles behind his back. When he turned to see who the gigglers were, every elf was quiet once again. Something was just not right. Santa sat at his desk and turned on his computer. He had a little extra time for his guilty pleasure before he had to start to double check his Nice List. Santa went to the web browser and typed in address for his favorite celebrity gossip blog. Once the page had finished loading he couldn’t believe his eyes. His gift for Mrs. Claus was on the main page. Someone leaked his photos! The article beneath his photo read:

Scandalous Santa!

These are NSFW!
To see all the photos of Santa in his glorious Birthday Suit, click here!

This morning we opened our email to find these scandalous photos.
Rumors have been swirling that Santa and Mrs. Claus marriage have been on the rocks! Anonymous sources that know the couple personally have told us that they can hear the couple fight on a nightly basis. They have even heard Mrs. Claus screaming at the top of her lungs accusing Santa of the unthinkable! ADULTERY! She apparently doesn’t like that Santa is too nice to Tooth Fairy, and every one is very familiar with that woman and her man-eating ways. How does she get his wings in to so many men?
With things not going well in the Claus household, whom do you think Santa took these photos for? Is he trying to mend his rocky relationship with the Mrs. Or is this a special gift for a new lady?

Once again, Santa’s gift was an EPIC FAIL!

~Selene de Modelo



It was our 555th Wedding Anniversary, and I was out of ideas on what to do. My wife loved matching numbers and swore this was a milestone anniversary as was our 444th anniversary and our 333rd anniversary and the 222nd anniversary but the 111th anniversary would always be my favorite.
So I had absolutely no idea what to do. I've done everything from Ski trips to Aspen, 12 day European cruise's, Spa weeks in France but this time I wanted to do something extra special. And I was totally clueless on what to do.
I'm in the toy business and no matter how well I prepare for Christmas I'm always super busy with work on Christmas Eve.
At the factory Christmas can get wild with everyone high strung and in a rush to get orders shipped; mistakes can be made. When mistakes are made "She" steps in and diffuses the situation.  "She" has a gentle but stern presence about her where I would yell about costs, wastes and time restraints. "She" steps in understanding, gentle words and with minimal time wasted.
"She" over sees that the factor runs smoothly, double checks orders, and keeps everyone cheerful and fed.
I know it's not fair to her that I work so hard and that she has to work so hard and that’s why I try to spoil her anyway I can AFTER Christmas.
"She's" not only my office manager but my publicist, she makes sure during the holiday season I show up to special events and do a few public appearances.
"She's not just my wife, she's my everything. So when an old close family friend Mama Natura suggested that this Anniversary we celebrate it "together"; instead of me doting on my wife, we dote on each other at an all-inclusive "Eden" type resort. I thought it was a great and something "She" would never have guessed.
I had my personal assistant "Lefty" take "Candid" pictures of me slightly nude, one where I'm holding a wrapped Christmas gift directly in front of me covering my appendage with only my hat and boots on, another where I' holding a very long and thick giant candy cane in front of me with a giant bow, another where I’m still wearing my hat and a giant bow and last but not least me laying on the floor with only my hat and boots on. I loved it, and I knew "She" would too.
After my photo shoot, I gently wrapped each picture in tissue paper and placed our airplane tickets atop. I closed the wrapped box up and I felt giddy, I simply couldn’t wait for this trip to get here. The things that I will do to "Her".
~Victoria Maundrell


Wednesday, November 30, 2011


Recently Added:

Circles within circles, wide and stark white
Triangle with two circles, flared with all their might
X and Y, X and Y
The third,
Indiscernible to the eye 
Xs and Ys, Xs and Ys
Tan colored rectangles,
Stacked up behind the guys 
A mass of red, overshadows a blob of grey,
Yeah, one of those guys had way too much hash that day
There it floats, all amorphous and green
Phallic they’d describe it, if this were some “art crit-i-cis-eem“
So where are the X’s that require one more
Ah, who gives a shit; in college they’re all just drunk whores

~Nayner Marie


Lartrex had found himself settling in well with the human population. They only had minor difference than him and the fact that they were all internal differences helped him blend. There were other dark-skinned humanoids on the planet and so he found himself blending in easily. His need for citric acid went completely unnoticed as and the few people that did notice only called him a health nut and brushed it off as normal behavior. Though he found it odd because his body couldn’t digest nuts and yet they called him a health nut. Yes, the humans he was staying with were definitely odd.
He found a home in what was called a frat house, which he determined was a home for superior males to copulate. Every weekend woman of all kinds came in seeking copulation. Though Lartex wasn’t really physically different outwardly, he worried about becoming impregnated by a female. He was amazed that all the males of his frat house were not hatching eggs out their ears.
One girl finally pulled him aside reassuring him, that she was on the pill. “The pill?” he asked.
“Yes, you know, so no babies.” She said with an innocent shrug.
“You have a pill that prevents children?” He asked shocked and even more amazed that the female, not the male took it.
She giggled, “How drunk are you?” She asked and started kissing him.
“I have had quite a bit of orange juice, why?” He asked baffled that she was asking about his hydration.
“You are so funny! Show me your room.” She insisted pulling him down the hall.
He had been careful about making sure he had several items in his room that were from this planet. He did get the majority out of discount bins though. He didn’t want to go wasting his money on things he would never use.
She walked around his room and pulled out a disc smirking. “You like Barbra Streisand?”
He shrugged.
“Are you gay?”She asked.
“I am content.” He answered and gave her a soft smile.
“Let me fix that for you.” She said and pinned him to the bed.
He was shocked and amazed at the things she did to his body. He would have to make a special offering of thanks to the Goddess of pleasure for this humanoid being.
What he didn’t realize until three months later was that the little humanoid female had lied. She had given him her egg when she released impregnating him. He shook his head. He knew it was too good to be true. Now he had a baby that he would have to care for in the next year.  
He increased the citric acid in his diet and was careful not to wrestle with the playful males of his house. They seemed to take great pleasure in pushing each other into the ground and then yell ‘rematch’ and go again.
He realized as he stepped out of the shower that he was growing two large lumps and shook his head. “Twins,” He mumbled. Luckily for him the children were growing in his gluteus maximum’s, as the humans called it and having a large one would not draw attention to himself.  He did find it rather nice that the females would often put their hands on his as if they knew sweet babies were growing there. He was sure that was why they were draw to feeling it.
Finally the day came and he delivered the egg sacks in one hard bowel moving push. One was blue and the other green. He knew that meant one of each gender. He carefully tucked them in a warm incubating box, under his bed. He was pleased that he was able to buy one on line and shocked that human egg sacks were so tiny when they delivered. The incubator he purchased had to be modified as it was made to hold a dozen children at once! The thought of raising two young ones was overwhelming. He didn’t know how the humans did it with a dozen. 
Over the next few months he gathered things discreetly for his children storing up fruit and clothes for them and gently bathing their sacks in citrus every night so they would grow big and strong. His frat house mates seemed concerned about him frequently locking himself up in his room and asked if he was alright. He considered telling them about the children but was still too nervous about their reaction.
One afternoon he came home from class to find his frat mates laughing as they tossed something around. When he took a moment longer to see what it was he screamed in terror.
“Stop!” He shouted in horror as he watched them toss his children around.
“What is the deal with these water balloons?” One guy asked.
“What?” He was confused he had never heard of such a thing. “Give them back!” He shouted as his children were playfully passed around.
“Oh we will give them back!” One annoying male heckled and then threw his son with such force he thought for sure he would be brain damaged.  Lartex caught and cuddled the baby close to his chest then looked up at the man holding his daughter. “Give it to me now!” He shouted.
“Dude, sorry, is it like your science experiment of something? I hope we didn’t mess up your results to bad.”
Lartex snatched his daughter out of the fools hand and ran into his room. He gentle placed them in the incubator and soaked them in citrus hoping its healing properties would save his children from any damage, then sat down and cried.
It was time to go home to Tarmex.  This planet filled with idiot humans would not be a safe place to hatch his children.  Obviously the dozen eggs they delivered met with demise and that is why the population was not so dense. He realized now that a few of the frat mates had showed him family pictures and all only had one or two siblings of the dozen. He shook his head. The earth humans were vile creatures to dispose of children in such a state. He would not raise his family here. No, he would go home and never return.

~Rose Von Barnesly


An excerpt from
A future story by Dollybigmomma

The day had started out looking so good.  It really had.  Everyone had slept well, all the volunteers had been brought up to speed, and Edward had grinned at me without it being because I had tripped over my own feet or had had to change another of Mr. Stewart’s ripe Depends that had me running and gaging again.  The old man was a sweetheart, but I swear he had the bowel movements of a two hundred pound skunk.
For as good as it had seemed, the day had suddenly gone horribly wrong.  I was so going to kill Edward’s great-grandfather, not to mention Edward for sneaking the things in to him.
“Catch it, Doris!” Edgar yelled as Aunt Doris tried to catch the next water balloon.  Yes, Edgar in all his immature eighty-four year old glory had decided a game of water balloon toss was a great way to help the senior ladies improve their dexterity and arm strength.  Never mind the dirty old bastard had managed to get them all to wear their thin white t-shirts the center had given them under the guise that they would look like a ‘team.’  Yeah, right.  The old pervert just wanted a front row seat to the impromptu wet t-shirt contest he had instigated.  
As predicted, Aunt Doris was drenched when the balloon burst in her hands.  “Oh, my!” she squealed when the cold water splattered all over her, thoroughly soaking her shirt.  Now, had this been the beach in Miami during spring break, this wouldn’t have been that bad.  But Aunt Doris was a long way from being a co-ed and her boobs were even longer, literally. 
Yeah, time had not been kind in the perky boobs department for Aunt Doris.
“Woohoo!” Edgar hollered, quickly filling up another balloon.  “Okay, Mrs. Daugherty, it’s comin’ at ya, catch!” he yelled.  Edgar turned around and bent over, hiking it at her like a football, launching the balloon filled with water.  Now, to describe Mrs. Daugherty’s cleavage, one would have to take extra care to give props to the enthusiasm of her late husband and his generosity where her plastic surgeon had been concerned.  Unfortunately, said plastic surgeon had long since passed and Mrs. Daugherty could have definitely used his expertise in keeping things where they belonged now.  Needless to say, Silicone Valley had developed a fault line and it had since become a tragic landscape.
“I’ve got it!” Mrs. Daugherty screamed, but she missed.  The balloon burst against her right shoulder, barely wetting her.  Edgar apparently wasn’t thrilled with that outcome, so he quickly launched another one at her.  The first splash had started seeping down and wetting her shirt more, revealing the scary vision of Mrs. Daugherty’s freaky breast sans a brassiere.  Tyler, one of the high school volunteers, was frozen in a look of shock and horror as the second balloon made contact.
“SCORE!” Edgar yelled as the front of her shirt was drenched.  “Beautiful!” he grinned as the entire mountain range became visible under her thin wet shirt.
“Dude!  You’ve got to be kidding me!” Tyler screamed looking at Edgar.  “The last time I saw something like that, there were signs warning of falling rocks!”
“Have some respect, young man.  Just because the mountains have shifted and worn down with age doesn’t mean they aren’t still just as scenic a view to an appreciative climber!” Edgar chastised.
“Freaky old people,” Tyler grumbled under his breath.


Bionic  Engineering
Noooooo! This couldn't be happening. 
My graduate's project was being ruined by some stupid jocks. I worked non stop all year to engineer a pair of arms as my senior years thesis project and my jock roommate and his dumb ass friends were about to ruin the robotic inserts with non other than water balloons. I've always been interested in bionics ever since I was a kid and my jaw was eatten alive from a vicous flesh eating spider bite. Well thats the quick version, but i was fortunate enough to have been the only person on the waiting list for a chin relacement. The donor was ten years older than me but my parents didnt care it was a small risk i'm glad they took. Now that im older and have grown into it, it doesnt look so weird.  The ladies love it. Now for this stupid idiot. If he ruins my bionic arms, im posting that picture he keeps under his pillow of his appendage all over the schools website. Perhaps I should re-think my course of study in bionics and look into bionic penis replacements.

Victoria. Maundrell-

Friday, November 18, 2011



By Dollybigmomma
Rated M+ for strong subject matter

I once heard someone say that happiness was a state of mind, something you could even choose if you were of a mind to do so.  They lied.  I didn’t ever remember being happy, not until I met Edward.  All I ever remembered was Mikey.  Mikey was bad.  He liked to do things that hurt and he scared me.
I hated Mikey.
I was only two the first time Mikey came into my room at night.  He always came with my stepfather, Phil.  Mikey went to work with Phil after dinner and they didn’t come home until very late, after my mom and I were already in bed.  Mom said that people thought Mikey was funny and paid lots of money to see him and Phil and we should be grateful we had him.  I didn’t understand that. 
Phil was the love of my mother’s life.  She left my real dad, Charlie, before I was even born so he never knew about me.  I didn’t even know about him until I was older, until after…
When I was three and a half, my mom died of a fatal fall down the stairs of our house.  Her neck was broken.  I remembered hearing her arguing with Phil right before it happened, but being so young, I really didn’t know to tell the police about it.  It had started happening all the time, so it wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to.  Besides, Phil said it was an accident.
Phil had adopted me and given me his last name, so I was left with him after mom was gone.  And Mikey.  Mikey insisted I sleep with him and Phil then and the things Mikey did to me started happening every night.  I buried my head under the pillows and cried.  Sometimes I screamed from the pain. 
When I was five, I started school.  That was where I met Edward.  He was sitting alone behind the kickball screen playing with the blades of tall grass growing there.  He taught me how to braid that day with some of the longer ones. He was two grades ahead of me and lived in a foster home down the street from my house.  He said there was no one like Mikey in his house, but he had two older foster brothers named James and Laurent who did some of the same things to him as Mikey did to me.  Like Mikey, James and Laurent told him they would hurt him worse or even kill him if he told anyone what they were doing.  He believed them like I believed Mikey.  I didn’t want to hurt any worse so I kept quiet, as did Edward. 
He hated them as much as I hated Mikey.
Edward taught me a game he played when James and Laurent were hurting him.  He called it the away game.  He pretended he was away from them, living in a place where he was loved and where nobody hurt him.  “I can go there in my head and it doesn’t hurt so much, at least some of the time.  Sometimes, though, what they do is in my face and they make me keep my eyes open and watch them do it, so it’s harder then,” he said quietly.  I knew what he meant.
By the time I was eight, my chest had bulged out and I had started bleeding regularly.  This wasn’t so bad because for those few days, Mikey left me alone.  I was still hiding my head under the pillows, but at least I had kind of gotten used to what Mikey was doing, so it didn’t hurt as much. 
That was until I turned twelve and Mikey started lying next to me while Phil took over. I learned to play the away game for all I was worth then.  The first time this happened, I could barely walk at school the next day.  Edward noticed.
“What’s the matter, Bella?”
I couldn’t say anything.  Phil had figured out that Edward was my friend and he said he would kill him and bury him in the backyard under the shed if I talked.  I somehow knew he would do it, too, so I lied and said I had fallen down and hurt myself.  I didn’t think Edward believed me, but he understood and didn’t ask any more questions.
By the time I was thirteen, Mikey was doing really well with Phil at his job, so they were gone overnight a lot more.  They left me home alone and I loved it.  On some of those nights, Edward would sneak out of his foster house and come stay with me.  On those nights, we both slept better than we ever did otherwise.  We always slept on the couch because I didn’t want to be in the same room where I had to sleep when Phil was home.
Mr. Yorkie was the counselor at school, and he was one of Phil’s best friends.  They were also very good friends with Edward’s foster dad, Mr. Newton, as well as Mr. Crowley, who was Edward’s caseworker.  We lived in a very small town, so this wasn’t all that surprising.  I was fourteen and Edward was almost sixteen and just a week from his birthday when he finally said he’d had enough after a night where James had been particularly rough with him.  James and Laurent were just months from turning eighteen themselves and leaving the foster home, but they had promised to make every day they had left with Edward count.  When they weren’t going at each other, they still went after Edward, sometimes both at once now.   He suggested we be brave and talk to the counselor and his caseworker about what was happening to us.  They didn’t believe us and called Edward a troublemaker, accusing him of defaming two upstanding citizens who had served the community diligently for years.  They were going to ship him off to a military-type disciplinary school the next morning, and they said they were going to talk to Phil about what I had said.  I knew that would be deadly.
As soon as school let out, we ran and never looked back.


The Big Brother

As the only child I was the center of my parent’s attention. We traveled around the world, entertained many people from cruise ship guests to the President of the United States of America; yes Ronald Wilson Regan. That guy is so cool. I have a picture of us together on my nightstand. I find it comforting to stare at our picture at night, it helps me drift off to sleep imagining him say “Read my lips, No new taxes” repeatedly fills me with an indescribable tranquil peace.
I’m getting off track, where was I? Oh yes, life was good. My mother was the perfect image of what a mother should be. She constantly told me how much she loved me and played with me when dad and I weren’t rehearsing for our shows. I had a dress suit for everyday of the week. My mom was the best and she has excellent taste in designer wear.

We traveled the world entertaining the rich and privileged. Mom was always cheering us on in the front row of every show.

Little did I know all that was about to change. One night while mom was tucking me in my corvette bed she told me soon I would have a brother or sister to play with. I didn’t quite understand her, I asked her why? She said the treatment worked something about test tubes and DNA as she patted her stomach. It was all too much to comprehend.

That night sleep did not find me easily. Not even my cassette of Ronald Regan’s 1992 election speech being played on my walk man would help me. I just couldn’t sleep. Why would they want another child? Was I not good enough? Wasn’t I a good boy? Were they getting rid of me?
Curses! Cures I say. I need to know and I need to know now. If I couldn’t sleep, then no one can.

I shimmied my way out of my car bed, grabbed Teddy Ruxpin’s hand and made my way down the dark corridor to my parent’s room. Drat I should’ve grabbed my Glow Worm it’s really dark and creepy at night.

Knocking ever so gently I said “Mom, Dad.”
“Son?” my dad said
“Dad, was I bad? Did I do something wrong? Am I being replaced?” I couldn’t help myself I was rambling.
“No son, of course not” dad said as he picked me and Teddy up.

I guess you’re old enough now to understand and I’ll start from the beginning. You see while traveling in little Italy I meet a nice fellow named Geppetto-litto he was frantic he said in a thick Italian accent “Hey ah you ah Mister comeah here, and takah me boy, They come to takah me away.” As he shoved me into his trinket store of handmade wooden goods.
He shoved a large leather case in my hands and said while shoving me out the door “Promise me you takah good care of me boy, he’s ah special boy”. 
I nodded my head and started to walk away looking over my shoulder. No sooner did a large white van show up with large black lettering that read: STATE ASYLUM.
I thought to myself this can’t be good. As two large uniformed men in white pants and button down shirts exited the vehicle and barged into Geppitto-litto’s shop and took him away in a straight jacket.

Once home I told mom what happened and we opened the large case together. “Do you remember that day, Pino?”
I was so enrapt in the story I simply shook my head No.

Well that was the best day of me and mom's life, that was the day you came into our lives. Once we opened that case there you were, sleeping like a little prince and when you opened your eyes, you looked at us and smiled. I’ll never forget that day Little Pino, that was the day you made me and moms life complete. We couldn’t have children of our own and here you were thrust into our arms. God finally answered our prays.

“Well why did mom say I’d have a brother or sister coming?”
“Oh, Pino mom is pregnant” dad said “That means she has a baby growing inside her stomach not like you but more like mom.”

“The baby will grow and grow and eventually be as tall as me or mom”, dad said. But you’ll always be their big brother dad said as he rubbed my head.

“Ok dad”, I said as I snuggled into him

That night dad let me stay in between him and mom and I drifted off into a deep sleep. In my sleep I dreamt of our family and my new brother or sister taking our family picture together. When I turned my head to see my brother or sister I noticed they were wearing my brand new “We Are The World” T shirt!
Sharing my parents fine but sharing my favorite T shirt, wait a minute I hope they don’t think I’m sharing my Ronald Regan speech collection, I have on cassette tapes! Because that’s where I draw the line.

Victoria Maundrell-


Janet and the Dummy

Janet had lost it on her last date. The man not only smacked her in the face with the door which he did not hold, but he wanted to split the check after a horrible dinner discussing his bowel movements, completely ruining her appetite. Who on earth could eat sausages after a discussion like that? Especially when he started pointing out how his sausage looked very much like what he had pooped just before the date. 
Yes, horrible was an understatement.
When she got home, she flipped on the TV, only to be stuck watching an idiot with his hand shoved up a doll’s behind. It was supposedly a ventriloquist act, but they sucked. Janet figured she could do better, so she went to the second-hand store and found a ventriloquist dummy and decided to call it Timmy. She practiced for hours and hours and thought how wonderful it was that she could converse with Timmy and he never once mentioned anything gross or crude. Yes, Timmy was a perfect gentleman.
She even took him to work with her at the funeral parlor to help cheer up the sad people who had just lost a loved one. Timmy was her best friend and she wondered if she ever needed a man after him.
Then one day, a woman had an odd request. Her husband wanted to be stuffed and mounted next to his animals that he had hunted. He was supposed to strike a pose with his bear. The woman ended up making her odd request, asking if we could stuff him so he could be posed.
It took a lot of work and help from Janet, but her father was finally able to stuff the man and make him able to be posed for his wife. Jokingly, Janet practiced her ventriloquist skills, scaring the crap out of the receptionist.
It was then the little seed of a plan was formed.
She used her funeral home connections to get into a morgue and steal the body of a nice looking man. She remembered and used all the skills her father had taught her and stuffed him so he could be posed as well. He was perfect. He never spoke out of turn and listened to her every word. She made up a fake job for him, saying he was an accountant and introduced him to all of her friends and family as her boyfriend. They supposedly eloped and then she decided she wanted a baby. She knew she couldn’t have one with her ‘husband’ and so they decided to adopt.
Her little girl was not as well-behaved as her husband or her ‘brother,’ Timmy, but she was cute and would do. They took a family picture for Christmas and her daughter sat holding her stuffed kitten while Janet held her stuffed husband. Yes, Janet was sure she would raise her daughter to be just like her.

~Rose von Barnesly