1-6-12

Carlos was sick of people not believing he had a homing bull. Everyone was always going on about homing pigeons, but a homing bull was so much more secure and no one would intercept his bull and try and steal his message like a homing pigeon.

“Really, Juan, it’s the only way to go. No one messes with my homing bull.”

Juan rolled his eyes and looked at Diego, “You really think he trained a bull to bring him messages?”

“He’s nuts if he did. Why on earth would you do that?” Diego asked Carlos.

“Because it’s the most secure way to communicate.” Wasn’t that obvious to them?

“Have you ever tried email?” Juan asked.

“It can be hacked!” Carlos snapped throwing up his hands. His email getting hacked was the reason this whole bull idea came about. No one would ever post pictures of him and his Mrs. Fluffy all over the internet again! Thank heavens they believed they were photo shopped or else it would have ruined his political career. Truth was he often enjoyed bath time with Mrs. Fluffy and needed a new safe way to speak to her when he was away on government business.

“I don’t believe a man can have control over such a beast, Carlos. I’d like to see you call this homing bull of yours,” Diego challenged.

Carlos put his hands up and called his big friend, happy to see he was sporting a message for his master.

The giant beast came running and leapt over the first wall and was halfway over the second when he got stuck, but it was no matter. Carlos was close enough to grab the note.

“Fire wall, that’s all I’m saying,” Juan complained as the smelly beast farted right next to his face.

“Where can I get one of those?” asked a woman sitting behind them. “I could use a more secure way to communicate, too.”

Carlos smiled widely at his two friends like he had just proved his point as he removed the new picture of his naked Fluffy. Aw…he could wait to get home to her now.  His homing bull was the best idea he’d ever had.

~Rose von Barnsley

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Ding Dong The Jerk Is Dead

I walked into work as I normally do on Mondays; sunglasses on, head down and hung over. I definitely did not want to be there, coming to work was getting harder and harder for me. Although I was popular in High School (for all the wrong reasons)coming to work always made me feel as if I never left that shitty Hicksville High.

As I clocked in hating life and hating my sleazy boss James; who would cop a feel anyway he could and always by “accident”, nothing I could ever nail him with. God how many times I wished he would crash and burn on his way to work, get hit by a bus, walk into a grocery store as it was getting robbed. Oh, how I day dreamed of ways to end his life. But every day he came to work,and my prays UNANSWERED.

Unfortunately for me my desk was next to the water cooler and Hansel and Gretel (Thats not their real names, I just never cared to learn their Aryan names)the gossips were hanging around the cooler blabbing away.

Hansel: Yes Gretchen, (so I was close) yes just like I say, we were all in Spain and James being da biggest nin com put ever, wore a red tie to da show. Ya, and we were sitting right dah in de front row. And all of da sudden James was gone and in his place was de giant bull. Ya and I could think of a betta person to have had dis happen to.

Gretchen/Gretel: What do you mean Hans? Where did he go?

Hans/Hansel: What? He’s gone Gretchen gone. The kila!(Sweddish for Jerk Off), he go to meet his makah. Ya.

Gretchen: He’s dead?

Hans: Hello? Missy Mc Fly have you not listen to de story? The bull run up onto him and he’s die.

Before I knew what I was doing, I jumped up shouting “What did you say Hansel?”

Hansel: Dat James die in Spain? He said as he shrugged his shoulders.

I jumped on him, wrapping my legs around him crying and shedding tears of joy. Blubbering “Thank you God, Thank you.” Then it occurred to me… Damn, Hansel is built!

Trying to control myself and regain some sort of composure,I slid off of him feeling something hit my “spot” I assumed it was his belt that was until I noticed a very prominent bulge in Hansel’s pants. He was definitely built in all the right places.

Right then and there I knew coming to work would take on a whole new meaning.

FIN

~ Victoria Maundrell