12-23-11 *Updated*

Cat Scratch Fever

I’ve finally found her my dream girl Stefon came in screaming as he twirled around and around. While blasting some God awful song from his computer about loving cats. She’s gorgeous and well educated and she loves cats, did you here me Mister Millie she loves cats. Stefon went on excitedly about his new E-Harmony date. Mister Millie appeared uninterested and found a few stray hairs on his luxurious coated that he needed to tend to (lick, lick).

Mister Millie thought to himself why does he even bother torturing himself, poor sap thinks every date is the big one. The Misses Right. But, for him It never happens and it probably never will. Mister Millie continues his internal rant as he lays on his back admiring his delicate paws as he recanted. First it was Christy with the uni-brow who loved all animals, BUT cats. Then it was that nice Caribbean lady who was already MARRIED. Then that granny who tried to steal me and lied about her age.

Poor, poor Stefon since he posted our new Christmas photo the inquiries were less and less on his dating page. I tried to tell him he should use just himself as the profile pic but he insisted on using that one saying we were a package deal.

Noticing the time Stefon pàda-boùray and kick ball chained his way to his bedroom to get ready for his date. Mister Millie had never seen Stefon act so excitedly about a date before. This intrigued Mister Millie and so Mister Millie followed Stefon to his office where Stefon was checking his E-Harmony page for any updated messages from tonights date.

Stefon was a really good guy the kind that always finished last, the guy that every girl just wants to be friends with. I mean he wasn't ugly by any stretch but at the age of 38 he was already balding with a receding hairline. He was built physically 6’2 230 lbs, muscular but for some reason girls found him strange. They didn't understand why a grown man would pampered his cat Mister Millie as if he was a child and often brought him on second dates . (That’s if he made it that far)

Stefon retired early after doing well in the software business. He inherited Mister Millie from his dead grandmother and loved him as he was the only living connection he had of his last known family member. Women never understood his love and the connection he had with Mister Millie because they never got that far with him; always judging the book by its cover. Stefon figured if they were going to immediately judge him then they weren't for him. Mister Millie recalled as he purred and rubbed his back on Stefon’s leg. Stefon noticing the affection the over-sized and over groomed cat was giving him, so he gently picked up all 30 lbs of Mister Millie and whispered I know this one is IT Mister Millie just watch. Mister Millie watched in awe as he saw a very good looking but emotional woman talk about her love for cats and how she just wants to take all cats and dress them up. Mister Millie just sat still in shock as his eyes turned heart shaped, he knew Stefon had finally met his match. And Mister Millie was in love too.

Watch Stefon’s dates E-Harmony video:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc

And of course the Re-Mix video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sP4NMoJcFd4&feature=related

FIN-Victoria Maundrell

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Michael was sick of all the stupid Christmas postcard pictures he kept getting. It was like the world was shouting at him that he was a lonely loser.  His girlfriend of four years had stayed out all night again, not bothering to let him know if she was home safe, leaving him to babysit her stupid cat again. He was sure she loved that damn thing more than him and decided if it was so deserving of being loved, he might as well make sure everyone he ever met in his life knew that he hadn’t killed the smelly beast. 

Yes, it would be like his silent postcard to Santa. See, Santa, I haven’t killed the devil cat. I was good so bring me something good this year, too, he thought.

He grabbed the cat and went to the local studio where the stupid photographer ate up the idea of shooting the cat. Michael wished he could shoot the cat, just not with the camera. The man even dug out a little Santa hat and snapped away, helping Michael really get into the shots.

In the end, it was a toss-up between the picture with the cat in the Santa hat and the one with Michael wrestling naked with a ball of yarn playing with the kitty. In the end, the Santa hat won out.

He quickly made his way to the post office and bought the postcard stamps and ran his freshly purchased pictures through his printer so they would be sent to everyone in his address book.

He threw them all into the mailbox with glee and stormed back to his house where he started throwing all of the picture Christmas cards into the fire. “I’ll show you!” he cackled to himself.

It wasn’t two days later that the calls started rolling in.

“Son, what have you done?” his mother cried, “A Santa hat? We’re Jewish!”

His Rabbi called worried for his soul, along with half of the temple congregation.

He had a lot to answer for, but instead of saying anything, he just shook his head. “I should have gone with the yarn picture. It wouldn’t have raised as much of a ruckus.”

~Rose Von Barnesly

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The start of Puss in Boots.

Puss wanted nothing more than to wear Funny hats and Clothing. His original owner Robby seemed to understand his Feline friend and would dress him up for every occasion. Birthdays, Easter, St Patricks day, and Christmas. As you can tell Puss was a very happy Kitty in all of his funny hat splendor.

Sadly on day his beloved human was killed in a horrible knitting accident, while he was hard at work on his new costume. A knitting needle to the jugular later and Puss was now an orphan. He found the last work of Robby’s which was a Small pirate hat and boots. THIS Is how he became Puss in Boots!

~Jennifer Thornton 


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Holiday Date

There is nothing worse than showing up to a family holiday gathering without a special someone attached to your arm.  This year I was determined not to go this alone. Unfortunately for me, I made this decision only 6 weeks before Christmas. With limited time to spare, I hopped on the Internet with the hopes of finding a quick date. I could not afford to pay for a date so I decided to just use a dating website. I knew I wanted to find someone who at least had the same interests as I did. That way I could do my best to pass this off as a real date.

After just a few days I found a guy I thought was a perfect guy. His name was Tim. He was tall with dark eyes. He was balding on top but that was fine. Everything else about him just seemed to fit for me. He was even a lover of cats. It’s hard to find a man that has a genuine love for the feline friend.

Tim and I went on a few dates. I began to enjoy spending time with him. We would talk on the phone for hours. He really seemed like an amazing person. After our fifth date, just one week before Christmas, Tim asked me back to his home. I was actually excited to see his humble abode.  He lived in a comfortable loft just outside of Manhattan. After giving me the grand tour, Tim introduced me to his “son” Tigger. I thought it was really cute that he referred to his cat as his son. Tim told he had to use the bathroom and would be right back. Once he was out of site I took the time to snoop around. I really wanted to get a better look at the wall of photos he had. As I got closer I noticed that many of the photos were of Tigger. When I came face to face with his wall I realized that every single photo was of Tigger! In the center of all the photos was a professional photo taken of Tim and Tigger for the holidays.

This was just too much. I grabbed my purse and ran out of his place and didn’t look back.


I guess I was going stag to Christmas dinner, again.

~Selene de Modelo 


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An excerpt from

FOR OLD TIME SAKE

A future story by Dollybigmomma

An excerpt from

FOR OLD TIME SAKE

A future story by Dollybigmomma

I was so glad Christmas was finally over.  I had no idea how allergic to mistletoe I was until I had to take it down from all over the center where Edgar had pinned it in every doorway he could get to.  A trip to the dermatologist and pharmacy later and I was finally not trying to claw the hide off my body for the first time in two days.

Edward came in pushing Mrs. Tucker in her wheelchair.  They were both laughing as she showed him some pictures she had gotten in the mail.

“It’s good to see James is doing so well,” Edward grinned.  “He was always telling us stories about that cat of his roommate, Ken.  I guess he finally made peace with it.”

“Oh, my dear boy, I’m so happy you and my Jimmy were such good friends in college.  He’s such a sweet boy, but he always just seemed so…I don’t know, different somehow,” Mrs. Tucker said looking confused.  “Anyway, he and Kenneth are coming to see me today and I have a surprise for him,” she winked and glanced at me.  “I’m going to introduce him to Miss Bella,” she whispered loudly.  “I think they’d be perfect for each other,” she beamed.

“Oh, is that so?” Edward said grinning even wider.  “Well, I’m sure he and Miss Bella will have a lot in common and get along swimmingly,” he said and it looked like he was trying to hold in a major fit of giggles.

I couldn’t help my curiosity about what they were talking about so I wandered over to join their conversation.  “So, what are you two plotting?  Planning on cheating at bingo again, Edward?  I’m going to have to sit in and monitor your activities this time.  You and Edgar darned near started a riot the last game.  You know you’re setting a bad example for him, right?” I said sarcastically.  “The ladies might take turns beating him next time.”

“Yeah, like he wouldn’t enjoy that. Granddad can hold his own, Bella.  Besides, I think you’re going to be busy this afternoon.  Mrs. Tucker’s grandson, James, is coming by with his roommate for a visit.  He was actually a friend of mine in college.  He’s a really nice guy, a real…straight shooter,” Edward said through barely-suppressed giggles.  “Mrs. Tucker here thinks you two might hit it off.  I know you two have a lot in common.  If I remember correctly, James loves to bake, he’s an avid gardener, and he collects dolls.  You two will likely become an item before the evening is out,” Edward said positively vibrating now with silent giggles.  God, could this man be any more immature?

“He sounds lovely, Mrs. Tucker.  I’ll be sure to show him around, and I’ll even make him a cup of my special chocolate,” I smiled and Mrs. Tucker squealed a little excited.  Poor thing.

“You know, maybe he and his roommate would like to go out this evening with me and my friend, Jacob.  He’s coming in this afternoon to visit, too,” I said and pulled out the picture of Jake I had gotten from him with his Christmas card.  Jake’s modeling career was really taking off and he had more men than he could shake a stick at chasing him now.  However, I didn’t tell Edward that.  I handed the picture to Mrs. Tucker and her eyes bugged out at the picture of Jake in nothing but an elf hat dangling a large, strategically-located cluster of mistletoe, his blindingly-white, wide smile and glossy dark hair making it obvious he had chosen the right profession. 

Edward was looking at the picture over her shoulder scowling.  “Maybe you all shouldn’t go out this evening, actually.  They’re predicting freezing rain you know.  Better to stay in and be safe,” he said with a concerned face.

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine.  We’re going to the restaurant at the Westin.  I’m sure if the weather gets bad, Jake and I can just get a room and spend the night,” I said and Edward looked like he was about to blow a gasket. 

  “Seriously, Bella, I think you should stay in.  Tell you what; if you’re so set on going out, why don’t I go along and drive?  I lived in Chicago for a number of years and am used to driving in bad weather.  In fact, I insist,” he growled and stalked off.

“Oh, that dear boy is such a sweet thing.  If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he was jealous,” Mrs. Tucker said shaking her head,  “However, that can’t be the case as he was perfectly happy for you to meet my Jimmy,” she said showing me the picture of her grandson. 

No wonder Edward was giggling.  I was sure Jimmy and I would have a lot in common indeed.  Way more than dear old Mrs. Tucker obviously realized.  By the way he was acting, I was sure Edward would rather me stay in with Jimmy trading recipes, doing our nails, and giving each other pedicures than be out on eye-candy Jake’s arm.  Too damn bad.  If he wasn’t man enough to say something, then he could come along and watch me flirt my ass off.

This was going to be a fun evening.

~Dolly Big Momma