12-12-11 *Updated*

An Excerpt from

FOR OLD TIME SAKE

A future story by Dollybigmomma

I was going to kill Edward.

I knew I was saying that a lot these days, but damn it, he didn’t have to go along with everything Edgar wanted.  I guess being his favorite grandchild came with a price.  Somehow, though, I doubted Edward minded much given the amused smirk on his face that broke out into downright guffawing at my bright red face as I took in the bizarre scene playing out in the activities room.

Ever since the Thanksgiving debacle where Edgar managed to talk my Aunt Doris into a kiss while grabbing her hand and shoving it onto his manhood under the table, the old codger had been insufferably horny.  Aunt Doris had passed out from the shock, pulling the tablecloth and half of Thanksgiving dinner down with her.  Luckily for him, he had started focusing all his efforts on her since that day, and she had become very possessive of him. I was fairly certain she would have been hanging his balls on the center Christmas tree right now in a jealous rage had he continued to flirt like he had been.  God knows they were easily accessible at the moment.

“Edgar!  Why are you naked?” I growled at the feisty old octogenarian, “And you,” I snapped at Edward, “Why the hell is there a sixteen year old girl taking pictures of your naked grandfather in a Santa hat and boots?”  God, this was a lawsuit just waiting to happen.

“It’s fine, Bella.  Tracy here is taking photography this semester and needed to do some holiday shots for her class project,” Edward answered innocently.  “He also wanted to make picture greeting cards.”

Seriously?

“Edward, please tell me you’re not that stupid!” I said clearly livid.  “There’s no way she can show anyone those pictures.  We’d be sued into the next millennia!” I said grabbing the girl’s camera, fighting her off as I erased all the pictures she had taken.

“Oh, man!” Tracy whined, “Now I have to start all over.”

“Not with his naked butt you’re not.  Go take some pictures of the ladies decorating the foyer.  They’re all proud of the makeovers the other girls gave them this morning, and their wrinkly little faces are glowing.  I’m sure you can capture some wonderful shots that don’t involve wrinkly behinds,” I hissed and dismissed her. 

“Doubt anyone could tell the difference,” she muttered as she stalked off.

Edward was still grinning like an idiot and suddenly started laughing out loud.

“Don’t look, Bella,” he winked, and of course, when someone says don’t look, you look.  Big mistake.  Edgar had rolled up onto his side now and had his head propped up on his hand, his other hand flicking mischievously at the pompom on his cap.

“Edgar!  Get some clothes on, now!” I screeched and stormed out, my face blazing as they howled with laughter behind me. 

Both of them were going to pay for that.  However, I couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up as I walked back into the pharmacy room, the image of Edgar’s enormous tree trunk of a dick burned into my brain.  If the old saying was true that the nut didn’t fall far from the tree, Edward was a squirrel’s wet dream come true.

~Dolly Big Momma

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Commando Santa

Santa was shocked as he stood at gun point as the man demanded his suit. “Now buddy I don’t have all night!” He glanced over his shoulder a couple times and then started kicking off his own pants, “Now man!” The stranger shouted at him.

The stranger quickly took the suit from Santa and threw it on quickly. He grabbed Santa’s sack keeping the gun pointed at him and then took off down the street. Once he was out of sight one of his elves stepped out of the bushes. “Why didn’t you go magic on his butt? Give him a little of this?” He asked twitching his noses.

Santa furrowed his brow, “You’re right, I’ve got to get those toys back.”

He started running after the thief wearing nothing but his hat and boots because that was all the man had left him with. He turned the corner and saw a family in their front yard getting a holiday photo and decided to try and enlist their help. “Stop that man!” He shouted. “He’s a thief!”

The family looked up just as the thief ran across their photo setting. The wife screamed in shock and covered the children’s eyes as she dragged them by their heads into the house.

The dad looked back and forth between the thief and Santa not sure who to yell at. 

“Stop that man he has my clothes!” Santa cried. The father nodded and ran after the thief.

Santa had run three blocks by the time he reached the family’s yard and fell exhausted on the ground. The photographer smiled at him. “My wife is never going to believe this.” He said and snapped a picture. “Don’t worry; this one is on the house. Who knew Santa went commando?”

~Rose Van Barnesly 

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A Gift for Mrs. Claus

Santa seemed to always fail when it came to giving a gift for Mrs. Claus. One year he gave her an oven.  The year after that, he had given her lingerie, how was he supposed to know she had put on that much weight! Another year he had even regifted her a coffee machine, forgetting that her mother gave it to them.  This year he knew he could not ruin this for her. He had been thinking about all year long. Woman had Pin-Up and Boudoir photos, so why couldn’t a man. Santa knew he would have to have to prepare for this. Last Christmas, he had over done it on the cookies and milk. He had a lot of work to do to get his body in shape. Santa didn’t want to be too obvious about his weight loss. Mrs. Claus was a very jealous woman so Santa knew that he couldn’t work to hard on getting his new abs. He didn’t want to be accused of having an affair with that whore of a Tooth Fairy… AGAIN! Santa did not want any elves from the shop knowing what he was giving to Mrs. Claus. This year was pretty tough due to the economy and there had almost been a protest by the elves. They wanted a pay raise but Santa just couldn’t afford it.  He didn’t want them to have anything they could Black Mail him with. The only man that Santa thought he could trust with his secret was Hanukah Harry. Harry was a rabbi. He had certain rules he had to follow like priests. Or so Santa thought.

Santa thought it would be too costly to hire a professional photographer. Santa set up the entire shoot; he just needed someone to press the button on the camera. Santa asked Harry if he would help out by snapping the photos. Harry agreed. The little photo shoot didn’t take very long at all. Now all Santa had to do was pick his favorite photo, print it, and place it in a nice frame. He had less than 2 weeks before Christmas and didn’t want to mess this up.

Two days later, Santa walked into the Work Shop. Outside of the Shop the place sounded a buzz with conversation but as soon as Santa walked in they all became very quiet. As he walked through the Shop and headed to his office he heard snickers and giggles behind his back. When he turned to see who the gigglers were, every elf was quiet once again. Something was just not right. Santa sat at his desk and turned on his computer. He had a little extra time for his guilty pleasure before he had to start to double check his Nice List. Santa went to the web browser and typed in address for his favorite celebrity gossip blog. Once the page had finished loading he couldn’t believe his eyes. His gift for Mrs. Claus was on the main page. Someone leaked his photos! The article beneath his photo read:

Scandalous Santa!

These are NSFW!
To see all the photos of Santa in his glorious Birthday Suit, click here!

This morning we opened our email to find these scandalous photos.

Rumors have been swirling that Santa and Mrs. Claus marriage have been on the rocks! Anonymous sources that know the couple personally have told us that they can hear the couple fight on a nightly basis. They have even heard Mrs. Claus screaming at the top of her lungs accusing Santa of the unthinkable! ADULTERY! She apparently doesn’t like that Santa is too nice to Tooth Fairy, and every one is very familiar with that woman and her man-eating ways. How does she get his wings in to so many men?
With things not going well in the Claus household, whom do you think Santa took these photos for? Is he trying to mend his rocky relationship with the Mrs. Or is this a special gift for a new lady?

Once again, Santa’s gift was an EPIC FAIL!

~Selene de Modelo

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 SANTA BABY

It was our 555th Wedding Anniversary, and I was out of ideas on what to do. My wife loved matching numbers and swore this was a milestone anniversary as was our 444th anniversary and our 333rd anniversary and the 222nd anniversary but the 111th anniversary would always be my favorite.

So I had absolutely no idea what to do. I've done everything from Ski trips to Aspen, 12 day European cruise's, Spa weeks in France but this time I wanted to do something extra special. And I was totally clueless on what to do.

I'm in the toy business and no matter how well I prepare for Christmas I'm always super busy with work on Christmas Eve.

At the factory Christmas can get wild with everyone high strung and in a rush to get orders shipped; mistakes can be made. When mistakes are made "She" steps in and diffuses the situation.  "She" has a gentle but stern presence about her where I would yell about costs, wastes and time restraints. "She" steps in understanding, gentle words and with minimal time wasted.

"She" over sees that the factor runs smoothly, double checks orders, and keeps everyone cheerful and fed.

I know it's not fair to her that I work so hard and that she has to work so hard and that’s why I try to spoil her anyway I can AFTER Christmas.

"She's" not only my office manager but my publicist, she makes sure during the holiday season I show up to special events and do a few public appearances.

"She's not just my wife, she's my everything. So when an old close family friend Mama Natura suggested that this Anniversary we celebrate it "together"; instead of me doting on my wife, we dote on each other at an all-inclusive "Eden" type resort. I thought it was a great and something "She" would never have guessed.

I had my personal assistant "Lefty" take "Candid" pictures of me slightly nude, one where I'm holding a wrapped Christmas gift directly in front of me covering my appendage with only my hat and boots on, another where I' holding a very long and thick giant candy cane in front of me with a giant bow, another where I’m still wearing my hat and a giant bow and last but not least me laying on the floor with only my hat and boots on. I loved it, and I knew "She" would too.

After my photo shoot, I gently wrapped each picture in tissue paper and placed our airplane tickets atop. I closed the wrapped box up and I felt giddy, I simply couldn’t wait for this trip to get here. The things that I will do to "Her".

~Victoria Maundrell

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Little Cindy Lou had a secret, she like the taste of fingers. It started out with just mild thumb sucking but then her mom threatened her with braces. Mary across the street had braces and looked like an ugly donkey so she didn’t want them that’s for sure so she did her best to stop sucking her thumb. Of course it was just too much when they went visiting the neighbor’s new baby and she saw he got to suck his thumb. It just wasn’t fair!
When the mommies weren’t looking she sucked his thumb too. His thumb was much smaller and most likely wouldn’t make her have donkey teeth. Of course she didn’t want to give it up and wished she could take it with her. Then she noticed the puppy chewing on a bone and it snapped a little piece right off and Cindy Lou got a wonderful idea. Before anyone would could stop her or even see what she was doing she bit it off.

The baby started screaming and she quickly pulled the thumb from her mouth and pointed to the dog. “He bit of the baby’s thumb!”

“Oh heaven!” cried the mothers, “Quick to the hospital.”

They pumped the dogs stomach but it was too late the thumb was never found.

Once Cindy Lou was home alone in her room she pulled out the thumb and popped in her mouth smiling. She could suck a thumb and not have donkey teeth, she was a genius!

After a few days, the thumb started to taste yucky and she wanted a new one. She had to come up with another plan.  She saw the neighbor’s dog sitting in the back yard looking sick. Everyone thought it bit thumbs already so she just had to find away to make it look like it did it again.

Her next victim was the blind kid up the street. He had been sitting in the yard as his mother weeded when Cindy Lou and the neighbor’s innocent dog came up. Cindy snapped the finger off quickly and screamed at the dog to give it back.

By now the whole neighborhood had heard about that had happen to the baby so they were quick to chase down the dog.

This thumb was bigger but since it was detached she could still pop it in her mouth and not get donkey teeth. She liked the bigger thumb and wondered if she could get an even larger one once this one went bad.

A few days later Cindy Lou looking on as her mommy made her a jelly sandwich.
“Mommy, can the neighbor’s dog come to visit?” She asked sweetly. Her mommy had a nice thumb and she wanted it next.

~ Rose von Barnsley


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Being a Mom and a Vampire doesn’t come with instructions.  It’s a difficult life and even harder when you have a little one to take care of as well.  When it comes to feeding your little vampire you want to make sure you are only giving them the best. That’s why I give my little bloodsucker TrueBlood Jam. It’s not like those other brands made of synthetics and fillers. TrueBlood Jam is made with REAL BLOOD donated by only the healthiest of humans.  

Choosey Mom’s choose TrueBlood Jam.

~Selene de Modelo


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You Get What You Pay For

When adopting overseas it’s important to adopt from a reputable company. My husband and I tried for years to have our own child but, due to the sex change I had back in 1986 it was impossible. As you can tell from my oversized BUT well-manicured hands I was once a “John” or a Jonny “Come” Lately as Herbert my husband used to say. So when a friend of mine proposed adoption we jumped on the idea. Well it turns out a friend of a friend of a friend knew of a friend who adopted overseas and it was fairly in expensive. This particular agency didn’t care about race, sexual orientation, single, married, divorced or if you were a cult leader. (Which I was back in the day that’s how Herbert and I meet but that’s another story) any who, we Pricelined our tickets and we were on our way to a tiny little island just off the coast of Haiti.

Once we got there we meet a strange fellow with a nose ring and lots of bone trinkets. Soon our prays to the COW god were answered! We were now on our way with a sweet little blonde child for $200.00. Once home we noticed Mertyll didn’t say much except for the occasional mumble and grunt. No matter how we tried we couldn’t get her to speak. Well Herbert just couldn’t wait to say “You get what you pay for!” [blah, blah, blah]. Then we noticed strange things started to happen around the house. Our child never slept! Initially we attributed it to jet lag but it wasn’t she literally never slept. It was really creeping us out. One night after tucking her in, well let’s be honest STRAPPING her in to her bed I grabbed her dirty laundry and found Mrs. Ferguson’s missing cat, turns out our little Mertyll was a cannibal.

Now that we found out what she loves we always have a fresh jar of animal guts and blood Jam readily available for our little pumpkin. Oh it just warms my heart to see her get all excited over her meals. Who said kids were expensive?


~Victoria Maundrell


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Cellular Musings…

It started when I was just five years old.

Actually, it probably started much sooner than that, but five was the earliest I had physical confirmation I was hooked.  My dad snapped a picture of me staring longingly, just waiting with baited breath for my mother to get to the next part of making my sandwich, the best part.

The peanut butter.

Unfortunately for her, when she had done smearing the jam on the bread, she folded it over and just handed it to me, sans the manna from heaven that I had been waiting so patiently for.

She really shouldn’t have done that.

I understand now as an adult how one could be too busy to go to the pantry, pull out the jar, unscrew the lid, acquire a butter knife, dip it into the jar, and spread the damn stuff on the bread, slap the sandwich together, and THEN hand it to a bouncing child, I really could.  That was a lot of work.

Too bad her not doing it was also her downfall.

I had never been a particularly mean child, never prone to fits or untoward tendencies.  However, I had been so excited and so hungry that day.  I just wanted my favorite thing in the whole world to eat.  Was that really too much to ask?

Apparently, it was.

I suppose, as I sit here eating my PB&J, crusts trimmed, cut into triangles, that I should feel some remorse.  After all, the twelve stab wounds I inflicted on my mother’s abdomen and the two I got in on my dad before he got the knife away from me did make a huge mess, and I ended up breaking the jar of peanut butter I had run to the pantry for and threw at him as I screamed my displeasure.

Pity it was all such a waste.  The damn peanut butter got blood in it!

Anyway, I had a nice place to stay now and they brought me my PB&J every day at noon.  The man in the nice white suit slides it under the door to me.  I think he might be a little afraid of me since I had also stabbed his friend for bringing me plain jam on bread when I first got here. 

You’d think they would learn. 

~Dolly Big Momma

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

"Working on the juvenile chain gang was no easy task. I worked along some of the roughest characters that ever set foot on the sweeeeeeeeeeeet Texas soil! Why I remember back in 1932 Sister Mary Agnes Dicksbee and Father Pete O'Malley were kind enough to give us a break after 3 days straight of back breakin' good ole hard labor. Back then they called it workin' off the bad in ya, now er days they'd call it child slavery. But, after several kids came down with the heat stroke they gave us a much needed break. And luckily we were working near the beach it was soo hot Sister Mary Agnes Dicksbee took off her bonnet and tunic and Father Pete O'Malley did the same by discarding his collar and such and well he started to chase Sister Mary Agnes around. Why Sister Mary Agnes got to squeelin' like a pussy in heat I swear when the rest of us saw them well everyone went wild. Kids started to rip off their traditional stripped pajama clothes they made us wear off and started running into the water and frolickin' in there that sand. The Fat boys as Sister Mary Agnes called them, they started to play leap frog which was strange to see such fat kids tryin' to jump over each other and every time they jumped they farted. Their farts alone was enough to bottle and throw on the Nazi's. I swear they could've ended that war quick with the Nelson brothers gasses.  Yep til this day I believe Sister Mary Agnes and Father O'Malley had caught the heat stroke because they got right in line behind them Nelson boys and started to play along with em. Yep I reckon their brains were almost plum cooked. And two of the badest and I mean badest siblings you ever met went right behind them. They were the Lovely twins as Father O'Malley called them they were a wretched bunch, two midget kids with faces like angels. You would think after being sent back to the orphanage at least 5 times claimin' to be the same age for five years in a row, someone would've caught on to them but they didn't. They were doin' time for bad behavior stealin' and that kind of thing. You couldn't tell by the looks of them but they were a force to be reckoned with and could beat the crap out of you in 2 seconds flat. I always said faces like angels but fists of the devil himself".

~Victoria 

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When John and Martha set out to do their first cloning experiment they never realized that trying to make the children lighter would end badly. They had problems with weight all their lives so they did their best to clone their kids and engineer them to be lighter. They kept them separated by light and dark clothes. The clones were just a couple years behind the original so they could be told apart but they knew once the kids got older they would start looking the same. It was best to get them in the habit of wearing different colors now.

Of course when they went to the beach their older clone Jeff started to have a problem. When they engineered the children they used mass amounts of helium to ‘make the kids lighter.’ Unfortunately this started to back fire as poor Jeff started floating up!

“Quick grab onto me,” George the original shouted at him as he braced himself on the ground grabbing fist full’s of sand.

Martha couldn’t help but laugh as Jeff called out in a squeaky voice. “Don’t let me fly away!”

Everyone even Jeff started laughing at his voice.

“Oh my look at his hair, it’s flying up as well!” Martha exclaimed. “What on earth are we to do?” She asked her husband.

“Why enter him in the Macy’s parade of course what else?”

~ Rose von Barnsley

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My Grandmother was showing me old family photos from when she was a child. She said she loved it when her parents would make the 3-hour trip to the beach. Grandma said the one thing that always ruined their time there was how crazy her two older brothers would get. Uncle James and Uncle Bart were the biggest boys you had ever seen and they were double the trouble. As twins they were always in competition but it wasn’t academics they would compete in, it was who could be the loudest, the funniest, the most outrageous. Grandma said any public outing with the twins was always an event.

~ Selene de Modelo