Little Cindy Lou had a secret, she like the taste of fingers. It started out with just mild thumb sucking but then her mom threatened her with braces. Mary across the street had braces and looked like an ugly donkey so she didn’t want them that’s for sure so she did her best to stop sucking her thumb. Of course it was just too much when they went visiting the neighbor’s new baby and she saw he got to suck his thumb. It just wasn’t fair!
When the mommies weren’t looking she sucked his thumb too. His thumb was much smaller and most likely wouldn’t make her have donkey teeth. Of course she didn’t want to give it up and wished she could take it with her. Then she noticed the puppy chewing on a bone and it snapped a little piece right off and Cindy Lou got a wonderful idea. Before anyone would could stop her or even see what she was doing she bit it off.

The baby started screaming and she quickly pulled the thumb from her mouth and pointed to the dog. “He bit of the baby’s thumb!”

“Oh heaven!” cried the mothers, “Quick to the hospital.”

They pumped the dogs stomach but it was too late the thumb was never found.

Once Cindy Lou was home alone in her room she pulled out the thumb and popped in her mouth smiling. She could suck a thumb and not have donkey teeth, she was a genius!

After a few days, the thumb started to taste yucky and she wanted a new one. She had to come up with another plan.  She saw the neighbor’s dog sitting in the back yard looking sick. Everyone thought it bit thumbs already so she just had to find away to make it look like it did it again.

Her next victim was the blind kid up the street. He had been sitting in the yard as his mother weeded when Cindy Lou and the neighbor’s innocent dog came up. Cindy snapped the finger off quickly and screamed at the dog to give it back.

By now the whole neighborhood had heard about that had happen to the baby so they were quick to chase down the dog.

This thumb was bigger but since it was detached she could still pop it in her mouth and not get donkey teeth. She liked the bigger thumb and wondered if she could get an even larger one once this one went bad.

A few days later Cindy Lou looking on as her mommy made her a jelly sandwich.
“Mommy, can the neighbor’s dog come to visit?” She asked sweetly. Her mommy had a nice thumb and she wanted it next.

~ Rose von Barnsley


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Being a Mom and a Vampire doesn’t come with instructions.  It’s a difficult life and even harder when you have a little one to take care of as well.  When it comes to feeding your little vampire you want to make sure you are only giving them the best. That’s why I give my little bloodsucker TrueBlood Jam. It’s not like those other brands made of synthetics and fillers. TrueBlood Jam is made with REAL BLOOD donated by only the healthiest of humans.  

Choosey Mom’s choose TrueBlood Jam.

~Selene de Modelo


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You Get What You Pay For

When adopting overseas it’s important to adopt from a reputable company. My husband and I tried for years to have our own child but, due to the sex change I had back in 1986 it was impossible. As you can tell from my oversized BUT well-manicured hands I was once a “John” or a Jonny “Come” Lately as Herbert my husband used to say. So when a friend of mine proposed adoption we jumped on the idea. Well it turns out a friend of a friend of a friend knew of a friend who adopted overseas and it was fairly in expensive. This particular agency didn’t care about race, sexual orientation, single, married, divorced or if you were a cult leader. (Which I was back in the day that’s how Herbert and I meet but that’s another story) any who, we Pricelined our tickets and we were on our way to a tiny little island just off the coast of Haiti.

Once we got there we meet a strange fellow with a nose ring and lots of bone trinkets. Soon our prays to the COW god were answered! We were now on our way with a sweet little blonde child for $200.00. Once home we noticed Mertyll didn’t say much except for the occasional mumble and grunt. No matter how we tried we couldn’t get her to speak. Well Herbert just couldn’t wait to say “You get what you pay for!” [blah, blah, blah]. Then we noticed strange things started to happen around the house. Our child never slept! Initially we attributed it to jet lag but it wasn’t she literally never slept. It was really creeping us out. One night after tucking her in, well let’s be honest STRAPPING her in to her bed I grabbed her dirty laundry and found Mrs. Ferguson’s missing cat, turns out our little Mertyll was a cannibal.

Now that we found out what she loves we always have a fresh jar of animal guts and blood Jam readily available for our little pumpkin. Oh it just warms my heart to see her get all excited over her meals. Who said kids were expensive?


~Victoria Maundrell


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Cellular Musings…

It started when I was just five years old.

Actually, it probably started much sooner than that, but five was the earliest I had physical confirmation I was hooked.  My dad snapped a picture of me staring longingly, just waiting with baited breath for my mother to get to the next part of making my sandwich, the best part.

The peanut butter.

Unfortunately for her, when she had done smearing the jam on the bread, she folded it over and just handed it to me, sans the manna from heaven that I had been waiting so patiently for.

She really shouldn’t have done that.

I understand now as an adult how one could be too busy to go to the pantry, pull out the jar, unscrew the lid, acquire a butter knife, dip it into the jar, and spread the damn stuff on the bread, slap the sandwich together, and THEN hand it to a bouncing child, I really could.  That was a lot of work.

Too bad her not doing it was also her downfall.

I had never been a particularly mean child, never prone to fits or untoward tendencies.  However, I had been so excited and so hungry that day.  I just wanted my favorite thing in the whole world to eat.  Was that really too much to ask?

Apparently, it was.

I suppose, as I sit here eating my PB&J, crusts trimmed, cut into triangles, that I should feel some remorse.  After all, the twelve stab wounds I inflicted on my mother’s abdomen and the two I got in on my dad before he got the knife away from me did make a huge mess, and I ended up breaking the jar of peanut butter I had run to the pantry for and threw at him as I screamed my displeasure.

Pity it was all such a waste.  The damn peanut butter got blood in it!

Anyway, I had a nice place to stay now and they brought me my PB&J every day at noon.  The man in the nice white suit slides it under the door to me.  I think he might be a little afraid of me since I had also stabbed his friend for bringing me plain jam on bread when I first got here. 

You’d think they would learn. 

~Dolly Big Momma

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

"Working on the juvenile chain gang was no easy task. I worked along some of the roughest characters that ever set foot on the sweeeeeeeeeeeet Texas soil! Why I remember back in 1932 Sister Mary Agnes Dicksbee and Father Pete O'Malley were kind enough to give us a break after 3 days straight of back breakin' good ole hard labor. Back then they called it workin' off the bad in ya, now er days they'd call it child slavery. But, after several kids came down with the heat stroke they gave us a much needed break. And luckily we were working near the beach it was soo hot Sister Mary Agnes Dicksbee took off her bonnet and tunic and Father Pete O'Malley did the same by discarding his collar and such and well he started to chase Sister Mary Agnes around. Why Sister Mary Agnes got to squeelin' like a pussy in heat I swear when the rest of us saw them well everyone went wild. Kids started to rip off their traditional stripped pajama clothes they made us wear off and started running into the water and frolickin' in there that sand. The Fat boys as Sister Mary Agnes called them, they started to play leap frog which was strange to see such fat kids tryin' to jump over each other and every time they jumped they farted. Their farts alone was enough to bottle and throw on the Nazi's. I swear they could've ended that war quick with the Nelson brothers gasses.  Yep til this day I believe Sister Mary Agnes and Father O'Malley had caught the heat stroke because they got right in line behind them Nelson boys and started to play along with em. Yep I reckon their brains were almost plum cooked. And two of the badest and I mean badest siblings you ever met went right behind them. They were the Lovely twins as Father O'Malley called them they were a wretched bunch, two midget kids with faces like angels. You would think after being sent back to the orphanage at least 5 times claimin' to be the same age for five years in a row, someone would've caught on to them but they didn't. They were doin' time for bad behavior stealin' and that kind of thing. You couldn't tell by the looks of them but they were a force to be reckoned with and could beat the crap out of you in 2 seconds flat. I always said faces like angels but fists of the devil himself".

~Victoria 

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When John and Martha set out to do their first cloning experiment they never realized that trying to make the children lighter would end badly. They had problems with weight all their lives so they did their best to clone their kids and engineer them to be lighter. They kept them separated by light and dark clothes. The clones were just a couple years behind the original so they could be told apart but they knew once the kids got older they would start looking the same. It was best to get them in the habit of wearing different colors now.

Of course when they went to the beach their older clone Jeff started to have a problem. When they engineered the children they used mass amounts of helium to ‘make the kids lighter.’ Unfortunately this started to back fire as poor Jeff started floating up!

“Quick grab onto me,” George the original shouted at him as he braced himself on the ground grabbing fist full’s of sand.

Martha couldn’t help but laugh as Jeff called out in a squeaky voice. “Don’t let me fly away!”

Everyone even Jeff started laughing at his voice.

“Oh my look at his hair, it’s flying up as well!” Martha exclaimed. “What on earth are we to do?” She asked her husband.

“Why enter him in the Macy’s parade of course what else?”

~ Rose von Barnsley

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My Grandmother was showing me old family photos from when she was a child. She said she loved it when her parents would make the 3-hour trip to the beach. Grandma said the one thing that always ruined their time there was how crazy her two older brothers would get. Uncle James and Uncle Bart were the biggest boys you had ever seen and they were double the trouble. As twins they were always in competition but it wasn’t academics they would compete in, it was who could be the loudest, the funniest, the most outrageous. Grandma said any public outing with the twins was always an event.

~ Selene de Modelo