12-12-11 *Updated*

An Excerpt from

FOR OLD TIME SAKE

A future story by Dollybigmomma

I was going to kill Edward.

I knew I was saying that a lot these days, but damn it, he didn’t have to go along with everything Edgar wanted.  I guess being his favorite grandchild came with a price.  Somehow, though, I doubted Edward minded much given the amused smirk on his face that broke out into downright guffawing at my bright red face as I took in the bizarre scene playing out in the activities room.

Ever since the Thanksgiving debacle where Edgar managed to talk my Aunt Doris into a kiss while grabbing her hand and shoving it onto his manhood under the table, the old codger had been insufferably horny.  Aunt Doris had passed out from the shock, pulling the tablecloth and half of Thanksgiving dinner down with her.  Luckily for him, he had started focusing all his efforts on her since that day, and she had become very possessive of him. I was fairly certain she would have been hanging his balls on the center Christmas tree right now in a jealous rage had he continued to flirt like he had been.  God knows they were easily accessible at the moment.

“Edgar!  Why are you naked?” I growled at the feisty old octogenarian, “And you,” I snapped at Edward, “Why the hell is there a sixteen year old girl taking pictures of your naked grandfather in a Santa hat and boots?”  God, this was a lawsuit just waiting to happen.

“It’s fine, Bella.  Tracy here is taking photography this semester and needed to do some holiday shots for her class project,” Edward answered innocently.  “He also wanted to make picture greeting cards.”

Seriously?

“Edward, please tell me you’re not that stupid!” I said clearly livid.  “There’s no way she can show anyone those pictures.  We’d be sued into the next millennia!” I said grabbing the girl’s camera, fighting her off as I erased all the pictures she had taken.

“Oh, man!” Tracy whined, “Now I have to start all over.”

“Not with his naked butt you’re not.  Go take some pictures of the ladies decorating the foyer.  They’re all proud of the makeovers the other girls gave them this morning, and their wrinkly little faces are glowing.  I’m sure you can capture some wonderful shots that don’t involve wrinkly behinds,” I hissed and dismissed her. 

“Doubt anyone could tell the difference,” she muttered as she stalked off.

Edward was still grinning like an idiot and suddenly started laughing out loud.

“Don’t look, Bella,” he winked, and of course, when someone says don’t look, you look.  Big mistake.  Edgar had rolled up onto his side now and had his head propped up on his hand, his other hand flicking mischievously at the pompom on his cap.

“Edgar!  Get some clothes on, now!” I screeched and stormed out, my face blazing as they howled with laughter behind me. 

Both of them were going to pay for that.  However, I couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up as I walked back into the pharmacy room, the image of Edgar’s enormous tree trunk of a dick burned into my brain.  If the old saying was true that the nut didn’t fall far from the tree, Edward was a squirrel’s wet dream come true.

~Dolly Big Momma

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Commando Santa

Santa was shocked as he stood at gun point as the man demanded his suit. “Now buddy I don’t have all night!” He glanced over his shoulder a couple times and then started kicking off his own pants, “Now man!” The stranger shouted at him.

The stranger quickly took the suit from Santa and threw it on quickly. He grabbed Santa’s sack keeping the gun pointed at him and then took off down the street. Once he was out of sight one of his elves stepped out of the bushes. “Why didn’t you go magic on his butt? Give him a little of this?” He asked twitching his noses.

Santa furrowed his brow, “You’re right, I’ve got to get those toys back.”

He started running after the thief wearing nothing but his hat and boots because that was all the man had left him with. He turned the corner and saw a family in their front yard getting a holiday photo and decided to try and enlist their help. “Stop that man!” He shouted. “He’s a thief!”

The family looked up just as the thief ran across their photo setting. The wife screamed in shock and covered the children’s eyes as she dragged them by their heads into the house.

The dad looked back and forth between the thief and Santa not sure who to yell at. 

“Stop that man he has my clothes!” Santa cried. The father nodded and ran after the thief.

Santa had run three blocks by the time he reached the family’s yard and fell exhausted on the ground. The photographer smiled at him. “My wife is never going to believe this.” He said and snapped a picture. “Don’t worry; this one is on the house. Who knew Santa went commando?”

~Rose Van Barnesly 

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A Gift for Mrs. Claus

Santa seemed to always fail when it came to giving a gift for Mrs. Claus. One year he gave her an oven.  The year after that, he had given her lingerie, how was he supposed to know she had put on that much weight! Another year he had even regifted her a coffee machine, forgetting that her mother gave it to them.  This year he knew he could not ruin this for her. He had been thinking about all year long. Woman had Pin-Up and Boudoir photos, so why couldn’t a man. Santa knew he would have to have to prepare for this. Last Christmas, he had over done it on the cookies and milk. He had a lot of work to do to get his body in shape. Santa didn’t want to be too obvious about his weight loss. Mrs. Claus was a very jealous woman so Santa knew that he couldn’t work to hard on getting his new abs. He didn’t want to be accused of having an affair with that whore of a Tooth Fairy… AGAIN! Santa did not want any elves from the shop knowing what he was giving to Mrs. Claus. This year was pretty tough due to the economy and there had almost been a protest by the elves. They wanted a pay raise but Santa just couldn’t afford it.  He didn’t want them to have anything they could Black Mail him with. The only man that Santa thought he could trust with his secret was Hanukah Harry. Harry was a rabbi. He had certain rules he had to follow like priests. Or so Santa thought.

Santa thought it would be too costly to hire a professional photographer. Santa set up the entire shoot; he just needed someone to press the button on the camera. Santa asked Harry if he would help out by snapping the photos. Harry agreed. The little photo shoot didn’t take very long at all. Now all Santa had to do was pick his favorite photo, print it, and place it in a nice frame. He had less than 2 weeks before Christmas and didn’t want to mess this up.

Two days later, Santa walked into the Work Shop. Outside of the Shop the place sounded a buzz with conversation but as soon as Santa walked in they all became very quiet. As he walked through the Shop and headed to his office he heard snickers and giggles behind his back. When he turned to see who the gigglers were, every elf was quiet once again. Something was just not right. Santa sat at his desk and turned on his computer. He had a little extra time for his guilty pleasure before he had to start to double check his Nice List. Santa went to the web browser and typed in address for his favorite celebrity gossip blog. Once the page had finished loading he couldn’t believe his eyes. His gift for Mrs. Claus was on the main page. Someone leaked his photos! The article beneath his photo read:

Scandalous Santa!

These are NSFW!
To see all the photos of Santa in his glorious Birthday Suit, click here!

This morning we opened our email to find these scandalous photos.

Rumors have been swirling that Santa and Mrs. Claus marriage have been on the rocks! Anonymous sources that know the couple personally have told us that they can hear the couple fight on a nightly basis. They have even heard Mrs. Claus screaming at the top of her lungs accusing Santa of the unthinkable! ADULTERY! She apparently doesn’t like that Santa is too nice to Tooth Fairy, and every one is very familiar with that woman and her man-eating ways. How does she get his wings in to so many men?
With things not going well in the Claus household, whom do you think Santa took these photos for? Is he trying to mend his rocky relationship with the Mrs. Or is this a special gift for a new lady?

Once again, Santa’s gift was an EPIC FAIL!

~Selene de Modelo

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 SANTA BABY

It was our 555th Wedding Anniversary, and I was out of ideas on what to do. My wife loved matching numbers and swore this was a milestone anniversary as was our 444th anniversary and our 333rd anniversary and the 222nd anniversary but the 111th anniversary would always be my favorite.

So I had absolutely no idea what to do. I've done everything from Ski trips to Aspen, 12 day European cruise's, Spa weeks in France but this time I wanted to do something extra special. And I was totally clueless on what to do.

I'm in the toy business and no matter how well I prepare for Christmas I'm always super busy with work on Christmas Eve.

At the factory Christmas can get wild with everyone high strung and in a rush to get orders shipped; mistakes can be made. When mistakes are made "She" steps in and diffuses the situation.  "She" has a gentle but stern presence about her where I would yell about costs, wastes and time restraints. "She" steps in understanding, gentle words and with minimal time wasted.

"She" over sees that the factor runs smoothly, double checks orders, and keeps everyone cheerful and fed.

I know it's not fair to her that I work so hard and that she has to work so hard and that’s why I try to spoil her anyway I can AFTER Christmas.

"She's" not only my office manager but my publicist, she makes sure during the holiday season I show up to special events and do a few public appearances.

"She's not just my wife, she's my everything. So when an old close family friend Mama Natura suggested that this Anniversary we celebrate it "together"; instead of me doting on my wife, we dote on each other at an all-inclusive "Eden" type resort. I thought it was a great and something "She" would never have guessed.

I had my personal assistant "Lefty" take "Candid" pictures of me slightly nude, one where I'm holding a wrapped Christmas gift directly in front of me covering my appendage with only my hat and boots on, another where I' holding a very long and thick giant candy cane in front of me with a giant bow, another where I’m still wearing my hat and a giant bow and last but not least me laying on the floor with only my hat and boots on. I loved it, and I knew "She" would too.

After my photo shoot, I gently wrapped each picture in tissue paper and placed our airplane tickets atop. I closed the wrapped box up and I felt giddy, I simply couldn’t wait for this trip to get here. The things that I will do to "Her".

~Victoria Maundrell

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Carol didn’t know what to do. No matter where she went her evil twin would follow. Every time she thought she was safe she would attack. First it was just little things like licking her cookie before she could eat it, then it was bigger things like licking boys before she could date them but when Carol went to the car dealer she realized her twin had just gone too far when she started licking the car she wanted. She had had it with her evil twin and said to hell with it! She was buying the car and would just go through the car wash. Freaking evil twin!

~Rose Von Barnsley 

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The town of Brownsville, Texas is known for its Port. But during the month of October the big draw for the city is it’s famous Carnaval de Sustantivo. Every one knows that carnivals have strange looking carnies, but at Carnaval de Sustantivo the attraction is their carnies. The rides are fun sure, but to get the chance to look at a real freak is what draws you to the ride. My favorite ride is the bumper cars. The Asian Rubber Face siblings run the ride.  Every time a new group is preparing to get their chance to ride the bumper cars the siblings always warn us, “Be careful for the head on collisions or your face will end up like this!”

~Selene de Modelo 

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The Invasion

[Series of Beeps]

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

[Series of Beeps]

THIS IS NOT A TEST, THIS IS NOT A TEST

Unknown Reporter: “It appears the President is sweating profusely he is dabbing his head with a handkerchief. There are Secret agents everywhere and they are all lugging suitcases and cardboard boxes out of the White House. It looks like they are evacuating the White House. Okay, The President is about to speak”…

The President: “America This a National I Repeat National Emergency Public Service Announcement, I need everyone’s complete attention.”

 “I am addressing the nation to assure everyone, EVERYWHERE what exactly is happening.  It appears we are being invaded!

Yes, I said invaded!

 I ask that everyone remain calm and try to stay indoors.

If you have a safe place to go to, please do so now.

We have had several sightings of the extraterrestrial kind.

ALIENS have invaded our planet.

 Initially we though one of the subjects from Area 51 escaped and yes Area 51 does exist. 

Let’s just get it all out there, because America you have the right to know.

These are dire straight times!

This is the time to pull together as one and fight!

 We have posted a surveillance picture of an encounter that occurred in South Florida.

The subject approached an unsuspected individual in her car on the Florida Turnpike.

Some viewers might find this picture disturbing.

It is important for everyone to know what we are up against. The subjects appear to have limited intelligence and have reptilian long length tongues that they use to sedate their victims. Their tongues have a toxin that paralyzes their victims, once paralyzed they will ripe you apart limb by limb and eat YOU ALIVE!!

*Girly squeal/scream comes from The Presidents Mouth*

What they lack in intelligence they double in strength. Do not and I repeat do not approach them, stay indoors and be armed. Good luck everyone and God Bless. IM GETTING THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! *Screams and Runs away frantically like a lady arms wailing*

[Camera drops, you can hear screaming and see feet running in all directions.

You hear a Series of  beeps sounding and finally one long never ending BEEP! ]

FIN

~Victoria Maundrell

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Yep, it had finally happened. 

My farting had gotten out of control. 

 I found this highly embarrassing seeing as I was a lady, but it was true.  At first, it was just the occasional little toot.  Nothing too bad, I just cut back on beans and bran cereal and it was better.  Or so I thought.  Then one day, I bent over to get a box of Milk Duds off the shelf at the local grocer and ended up sending an elderly man to the emergency room.  That was when I knew I had a problem.

After that, I feared my butthole had become a lethal weapon, emitting deadly toxins the origins of which I couldn’t say.  It also became uncontrollable, with a mind of its own.  I no longer had say over what my sphincter did.  It had gone rogue and there was nothing I could do about it.  I would almost swear I could hear it laughing as it took down each of its victims. 

Whatever I had done to anger the flatulence gods must have been epic because not only did my sphincter forsake me, but my esophagus either joined forces with it or decided to compete, I couldn’t be sure.  All I knew was that they seemed to sense when a victim was approaching and they would attack without warning or conscience, spewing noxious vapors from one end and loud, startling racket from the other, the odiferous nature of which was also frightening. 

The last victim had been a poor unsuspecting cyclist.  I was sitting in traffic minding my own business when they attacked.  I had unthinkingly made the mistake of cracking my window on my way to work.  Just as the guy approached, a cloud of foul fumes escaped my Ford Focus, stunning the poor guy.   I watched in horror as he lost control of his bike, careening face first into the side of my car as the pernicious potency of my poot took him down.  Unfortunately, I was too busy trying to keep my head from exploding to help him.

I couldn’t wait around for the ambulance to come rescue him, so as soon as he fell away from my car and cleared my tires, I sped off.  I was certain once he told the authorities what had happened, they would no doubt deem me a terrorist and I would be hunted by homeland security.

Realizing I was now public enemy number two, I decided to remove myself from society as a precaution.  I now live in the jungles of Borneo with the indigenous peoples there.  Funny thing, they worship me as a goddess because apparently, the vapors I constantly blast kill the dangerous mosquitos that plague their people, saving many lives.

Of course, all their worshipping is done at a very safe distance.

~Dolly Big Momma